So last time I talked about stepping off the roller coaster of foster care and what that means: staying in your lane, caring for the child in front of you, and letting the case play out at a distance (an emotional distance, that is). But today I want to talk about getting ON a roller coaster, specifically with an older child or one with a lot of needs.
Full disclosure: the roller coaster I want to talk about today was brought to my attention by a friend of mine who fostered and subsequently adopted an older teen. And so she pointed out this additional type of roller coaster of foster care…and that is the one of the trauma which kids have experienced. Obviously, any child coming into care has experienced trauma to some degree; as I’m sure you know, just the act of being removed from the biological family is trauma.
So being on this trauma roller coaster, simply put, means being fully in it with the kids, and doing what we are responsible for doing as foster parents: riding that trauma roller coaster. It’s being there for them when they need you. And being there even when they say they don’t need you (but they probably do). It’s allowing them to attach to you, and you attach to them, regardless of whether or not they reunify or not. It’s rejoicing with them in their victories, and being there for them during their lowest lows. So clearly this is not the kind of roller coaster Jamie was talking about previously…it’s not the one to get off of. Yes, it can be difficult, and stressful, and highly emotional… But it’s what we’re called to do as foster parents.
If you’ve read my past posts, many of them talk about opportunities for connection with kiddos from hard places. It is, without a doubt, the first thing that needs to happen before they can begin to heal. It doesn’t mean they will totally heal…trauma never leaves completely, but it can diminish when there is one or more stable, secure, attached parents who are riding that roller coaster alongside them.
Here’s a visual for you, if that helps: we were at an amusement park just a couple months ago. My whole family loves roller coasters…like the big, big ones. But as we were in line for one of the rides, I saw a boy who looked to be 11 or 12, in line to ride in the front row, totally by himself. And I commented to my family that I would never want to do that…front row or honestly anywhere on a ride. I don’t love them so much that I would want to do it alone. In fact, it’s the opposite. For some reason, having people ride alongside me makes it exponentially better.
Now, in this analogy, I am in no way indicating that riding the trauma roller coaster is fun. It is not fun…ever. But I’m saying that the trauma roller coaster, and life in general, is going to be better when we share it with someone else. Sometimes it’s just the presence of a supportive person. They don’t even have to say or do anything; just be there.
I hope I haven’t muddied any waters for you about the roller coaster idea. There are definitely at least two different kinds of roller coasters in foster care: the emotional, wrapped up in every detail of the case kind like we discussed last time, and the roller coaster of trauma that kiddos have experienced, and the best way to help them is to actually get on that trauma roller coaster and ride it with them.
Sincerely,
Kris