In my last post, I talked about finding friends from the point of view of a child in foster care. So let’s talk about finding friends when we are foster parents.
Why would this need to be a thing? Can’t the people who have been our friends continue to be our friends? Absolutely…however, the foster parent journey is like nothing I (or probably you as well) have ever done and there are things about it which truly only other foster parents will understand: the different type of parenting it often requires, the isolation which sometimes happens, the grief of a reunification, the rollercoaster of emotions it can bring, and the potential burnout…just to name a few.
So now that we’ve established the need for other foster parent friends, can we just go get them without any trouble? Well let’s be honest…finding friends as an adult can be tricky in and of itself. You don’t necessarily have that same carefree spirit like you did as a kid on the playground. We can’t ask an adult to just swing on the swings or play a game of tag. It almost feels like some weird little “dance”; I suppose the adult equivalent is asking somebody to get coffee.
And I realize that this all might just be me, but even asking someone to grab coffee to get to know them can really feel like putting yourself out there. And then if you add the layer of foster parenting, and finding friends who understand (not just who want to understand or just seem really nice), that increases the difficulty in finding a good friendship match.
And THEN add in the caveat of finding people who parent the same way you do in the foster care journey. If you’re new to this and haven’t had a placement just yet or have only recently taken your first placement, you might not know that parenting a child in care typically can’t be the same as parenting a biological child. I’m definitely not an expert by any means, but I’ve been around this scene for a while now and I have found that just because someone is a foster parent does not mean that we are going to make the same choices and parent in the same way.
For instance, if you’ve read any of my previous posts, you may know that we have chosen to go all in on trust based relational intervention (TBRI); not just for our foster/adopted child though, but all of our kids (it can, and should in my opinion, be used on all children). I even use TBRI on my husband at times. But not everyone chooses to use TBRI. And of course that’s totally fine. I don’t mean this as a judgment, it just means that more than likely I’m not going to have a connection (or as strong of a connection) with fellow foster parents if we are not on the same parenting page.
So all that said: how does one go about finding other foster parent friends who line up nicely with our choices? My biggest push would be to go to the places where other foster parents will be. First off: ask your agency! Firefly has many amazing foster parents and I guarantee if you ask for them to help connect you with other like-minded foster parents, they will be glad to do that! I found one of my dearest foster mom friends this very way!
You can also find them through support groups. These can be virtual or in person. Or both. Go to conferences or workshops or lunchtime trainings hosted by your agency or other organizations; go to anything you can to find like-minded people. If you are on social media, look for online support groups.
Also on social media, simply posting tiny snippets of your journey on your personal page waves little “flags” to tell friends what you’re what you’re doing and how you’re doing it… it might draw in others that you don’t even know are on the journey. Or friends and family who know other foster parents will connect you with them. I’ve personally made several delightful connections through friends of friends or friends of family. You honestly just never know how and when a relationship might come about…but also you do have to seek it out. Just like with non-foster parent friends, it won’t happen without effort.
And one last thing I want to say to encourage you to seek out these friendships, because they can be symbiotic: you never know who you might be able to help and support in their journey. I’m not sure to whom I should credit this, but I have thought about this idea so many times over the years: your experience might end up being a lifeline to someone else.
As I’ve talked about before, no one can do this alone…you can’t be a foster parent in a silo. Well, you can, it’s just going to be exponentially more difficult, and no one needs to make foster parenting more difficult.
Sincerely,
Kris