So there are lots of reasons that foster parents might grieve (I know this might not be selling it if you are on the fence about being a foster parent). But first and foremost, a foster family might grieve when a child they think is going to stay forever ends up being reunified with the biological family. To be clear: it is celebrated when a child can be with their biological family, especially if the biological family is able to maintain ties with the foster family, utilizing them as support in times of need.
However, as I mentioned, it can sometimes be devastating to a foster family, especially if they are a pre-adoptive home and the wheels were in motion for adoption. But that’s not the intent of my blog today. There are others types of grief associated with foster care that I’d like to acknowledge…and affirm you if you’ve ever felt any of these. These may include (but are not limited to) the following list:
- when you get what you wanted and a child does stay in your care but then things don’t end up looking like you thought (often much more difficult).
- when you think you have a handle on what a child’s diagnosis is (or diagnoses are), but it turns out to be so much more.
- when a child is older and comes into care, you think you have a pretty good picture of what is happening…but it was just a honeymoon period.
- when an infant or toddler comes to your home, you won’t know until the child grows and matures to discover exactly what kind of issues or delays or diagnoses he has.
- when the biological parents charge you with abuse or neglect.
- when you are maxed out on caring for kids with trauma but your placement’s biological mother had another baby and asked you to take them.
- when you got into this to help children from hard places and it’s just not at all like you thought it would be.
- when it feels like you’re beating your head against the wall, and no progress is being made.
- when you even feel like you’re not only NOT moving forwards but are, in fact, moving backwards.
- when it’s hard and it’s frustrating and disappointing and discouraging.
All of these can be really difficult. And grieving any one of those things: that’s kind of the grief that I’m talking about.
And a lot of times it leads to not only feelings of grief but possibly even remorse; that can definitely feel like a dark place. And when that happens, please know that you are not alone in feeling that way; the grief is absolutely real and even though not everyone may understand it (especially if they are not in the world of foster care), that does not minimize the things you are feeling.
It’s when those feelings and thoughts persist, you MUST reach out and ask for help. Find a support group. Call a friend who has been supportive and understanding of your foster care journey. Get a counselor (there are some really great counselors available virtually if you aren’t available to see one in person or your schedule is limited). There is no shame in any of that…no matter what someone else may try to tell you.
Also, if your child is adopted, you can get assistance through Post Adoption Services. If they are a child still in care, your agency (Firefly Children and Family Alliance) is often going to be an amazing resource for help. But other times, I have found, the grief just hits me out of the blue and it’s not pervasive but instead it’s a moment (or maybe even a day) in which I feel down, discouraged or pessimistic…and for that, I have a suggestion to try.
It’s not always going to be the answer for everyone and I would not dare suggest that it is. But here it is…food for thought, if nothing else, to get through the grief-filled moments. When I’m feeling at the end of my rope, I set a timer for a few minutes (maybe 10), and let myself grieve the fact that things aren’t looking like I thought. I cry a little bit if I need to (I often do), then when the timer goes off, I wipe my face and keep doing the work that I’ve been doing.
Now…does that mean that anything got easier? No. Does it always get me out of my funk? No. Is the grief I feel at times more than this coping strategy can help? Yes. But sometimes simply having that emotional release and acknowledgment of what you’re feeling can improve your outlook and allow you to continue with the important and necessary work of foster parenting.
Sincerely,
Kris