So foster care (and honestly life in general) is filled with a variety of different coping mechanisms. As a foster parent, you might find that you have some as well (and even if you don’t “find” that you do, chances are you have them…because being a foster parent is hard and we ALL have ways to cope with the stress.)
But that’s not really what I came here to talk about today. I’d like to talk about the coping mechanisms we might see in the kids in care, and how we *might* help them reframe those unhealthy habits into more helpful ones. It’s not a definite that we will be able to accomplish that, but I wanted to provide you with some tips and tricks to at least try.
We all know that kiddos in care are coping with an incredibly stressful situation…even more so than being the foster parent (which is also stressful, as you probably know): leaving behind everything and everyone you know, possibly leaving behind all your possessions, living with total strangers, going to a new school, riding with another stranger to and from visits with your family of origin, talking with other visitors to the home (either weekly or monthly), being separated from your siblings…and the list could go on. Those are just a few of the things a child in care might be dealing with.
As a result of those sudden changes in his life, a child might be (read: more than likely is) grieving, depressed, anxious, or a combination of the three. And even though they are going through so much emotional turmoil, there is often still a “honeymoon period” in the new foster home. The child will often be compliant, helpful, kind, respectful, etc. This is also a defense mechanism, but it might not last as long as the next stage of grief.
And these feelings, as you may or may not know, can look like many other things (including but not limited to the following):
- denial
- disbelief
- sadness
- emptiness
- loneliness (this especially if they are not only removed from parents but also separated from siblings)
- guilt (they may somehow feel responsible even though it is not their fault)
- anger
- resentment
- fear
- anxiety
As an example, we often use the phrase “mad can look like sad” in our house. For the longest time, we could not figure out why our child was angry about things…until one day we discovered (quite by accident) that his “mad” was, in fact, “sad”. Game-changer.
So to go along with those feelings of grief, depression or anxiety, here are a few of the unhealthy coping mechanisms you may or may not see from your kiddo (obviously there are more…this is clearly not an exhaustive list):
- start smoking or smoking more,
- start drinking alcohol or drinking more,
- start taking drugs or taking more,
- gambling,
- over-spending money,
- stealing,
- self-harming,
- restricting or binging and purging food,
- over-eating,
- sleeping too much or not enough,
- and feeling driven to have an “adrenalin rush” with dangerous activities
Now…I am no expert but I have read a lot about trauma and have lived with it in my home for over 10 years. But my recommendation for helping a child work through some of their grief is Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI). If you aren’t familiar with TBRI, I suggest taking a crash course in it. Some organizations offer shortened versions of the training. You can do the full 7+ hours of training right through the official website if you are so inclined. You can find videos on YouTube which will help you better understand the basic tenets. Either read or listen to the audiobook of “The Connected Child” by David R. Cross, Karyn B. Purvis, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine. Another way to look at this is by using something called “low-demand parenting” (which I am actually going to tackle in my next post, so stay tuned for more!).
Bottom line: prioritize the relationship with the child. If the child is struggling, don’t push them away to their room…draw them closer to you (not necessarily physically, which might not be appropriate for a child who has suffered trauma) but maintain close proximity to them…in the same room, the same couch, etc. Be engaged with them, rather than being attentive to your phone (I say this because for many of us, the phone is our coping mechanism and if you are trying to help a child “come back online” and re-regulate, if you’re sitting there but are ignoring them, then you’re not helping…and possibly hurting the relationship.)
Additionally, consider finding a support group for your child. They might not be ready (at least initially) to talk to a therapist, but they might be willing to talk to other kids in a similar situation. Helping them see and understand that they’re not alone in their grief may be very beneficial.
I know I’ve barely scratched the surface on this and there is much more I could share…but I wanted to give you a jumping off point from which you could do you own research, depending on what your child is showing you they need.
Sincerely,
Kris