So, I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Some of what I’m reading is just for fun, but some of it is educational as I continue to try and improve my skills as an adoptive mom with a Special Needs kiddo. I when I was a foster parent, it was a struggle sometimes to read ANYTHING at all, so when I did, I made it worthwhile…so often that meant setting aside the “fluffy fun read” and dialing in on something that would count toward my license renewal.
As I’m sure many of you know, for foster license renewals, foster parents (at least in Indiana) can do 8 hours of alternative training (which can include reading a book or watching a show or movie…and then writing a report). And I am SO happy to report that this book I wanted to share with you is ON THE LIST!
The book I want to tell you about today is “Love Me, Feed Me: The Foster and Adoptive Parent’s Guide to Responsive Feeding” by Katja Rowell, M.D.
Now…let me begin by saying: where was this book 10 years ago?!? Well, apparently it was out because it was published in 2012, but it was only last month when I was reading a different parenting book (which I’ll talk about another time!) which mentioned this book ONCE. I had never heard of it prior to that. And to be fair, the revised edition (which is the one I read) just came out in 2023.
Anyway…as soon as I saw the title and her very brief explanation of it, I knew right away that I needed to read it…because (and I’m not going to go into great detail) I will say that eating has been a thing in our house since about the time our youngest son came to us. And from what I’ve heard from numerous other foster parents, the food battles in their house are REAL. And honestly, it makes sense.
Can you even imagine it from the child’s perspective? Not only have you been removed from the only family you’ve ever known and friends and school and home…everything (which as we’ve previously discussed is trauma in itself). But on top of that: Maybe you’ve never had a home cooked meal. Or used utensils. Or sat down as a family to eat. The list of things you’ve never experienced during a meal is almost endless…and yet oftentimes we expect kids from hard places to come right in, sit down at the table, eat everything they’re given, be appreciative and charming and talkative at the table…even though they’ve never done any of those things in their life.
Not to mention undiagnosed allergies or sensitivities, texture issues, gag reflexes, etc. No wonder there are often battles when it comes to mealtimes.
In my opinion, this book applies to all kinds of kids and their eating struggles. It is geared toward foster and adopted children, however the methods that she uses could more than likely be used with any child. There might not be the same types of issues or trauma responses, but the underlying feelings could be the same and the ways she recommends working things through seem to be somewhat universal.
True confession: I personally did not read the part of the book about children who over-eat and/or have food insecurity because that’s not our battle. And the “picky eater” was honestly not exactly our issue either but that’s where I mostly camped out, because it was the closer approximation…and it gave me just enough info and encouragement to give things a try.
Come to find out, for our son it had to do with autonomy (which, if you read my previous post about low demand parenting and the description of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy), this makes sense. And even though we’ve been using low demand parenting for almost a year, for some reason it never translated into our mealtime battles. Don’t judge.
I actually know exactly why it had not translated into meals: his pediatrician wants him to gain more weight. He is tall and thin but when he came to us he was “failure to thrive” (and this book also discusses that term…I won’t spoil it for you and will instead let you read it for yourselves). And even though I know his biological parents and his body type tracks with theirs, I am also, at the end of the day, a people-pleaser. So if the pediatrician seems to think I’m not doing things right, I will tend to want to prove to her that I am…and in this instance, that means making sure he’s gaining weight.
Which I know is not right but as we all know, old habits are extremely difficult to break and behavior patterns even more so. Also, when a child is a foster placement, you are much more bound to what a doctor is telling you and I get that too; hopefully you have a pediatrician you can voice your concerns and opinions to and come to a place where you both feel is best for the child.
But for me and my perfectionist self: I am working on it…and have tried to give him more autonomy in his meals. Is it perfect? No. Are there days when I think he didn’t eat enough calories? Yes. But on the flip side, are there days when he probably ate more than he needed? Also yes. Is his diet balanced? Not really. Is he still growing and thriving? Yes.
As I have heard multiple places recently, in regards to eating, “Fed is best.” So, if eating tortilla chips and sour cream is what he is able to do for lunch, I have to be ok with that. It’s not the best thing he could eat but it’s absolutely not the worst either.
But I have digressed slightly. Point being about all of this…this book gave me some new tools for my toolbox, but mostly it gave me the courage to try things out, with the understanding that this would not be an immediate or overnight or easy fix. And that’s ok. We are striving for better and not perfection …because we would never be able to achieve it (which I must admit really irks me!).
Kwa dhati,
Kris