Reka rero tuvuge gato kubijyanye no guhagarika ikizere no guhagarika ubuvuzi (nabwo bwitwa umunaniro wimpuhwe). Umuntu wese uri hanze yigeze yumva ibi? Ntugahangayike niba udafite… nubwo waba umaze igihe gito muri iyi si irera. Maze imyaka irenga 10 mu kibuga kandi numvise gusa iki gitekerezo hashize imyaka 2, nta mpungenge namba niba utabimenyereye. Ndi hano gufasha!
Ahanini icyizere cyahagaritswe ni igihe abana ningimbi (kandi birashobora no kuba abantu bakuru, nubwo tuvuga kubana barerwa byumwihariko muriki gihe) bababajwe cyane (mumarangamutima cyangwa kumubiri), birengagijwe cyangwa bahemukiwe nabantu bashinzwe kubitaho kuri bo; iyi ishobora kuba umuryango wavutse cyangwa umuryango wamurera cyangwa umuntu wese wabishinzwe. Kandi igisubizo kumwana nuko bahindura amarangamutima ubushobozi bwo gushaka umubano wa hafi no guhinduka ahantu hakonje, haciwe amarangamutima; ubwonko bw'umwana butegura uburyo bwo guhangana nabwo bwo kwirinda imbere no guhagarika kumva ububabare. Intego yabo ikomeye ni ukutazongera kubabaza… n'umuntu uwo ari we wese. Rimwe na rimwe, abana cyangwa ingimbi bafite ikizere kibujijwe bazagirira nabi abandi nkuko bafashwe, ikindi gihe, abana bitabira kwinjira muburyo bwihariye, bahitamo ikoranabuhanga kuruta abantu.
Akenshi, umwana ufite ikizere cyahagaritswe ntakundwa nabandi muri rusange, kubera kutumva kwabantu, gutinya umwana, gutenguha umwana, nibindi… ibyo byose nibisubizo umwana yagize mbere kandi biba inzitizi mbi.
Noneho umubyeyi wita kumwana ufite ikizere kibujijwe (cyangwa gusa umwana ufite byinshi akeneye muri rusange) arashobora kurangiza akitaho. Kandi kwita kubihagaritse bivuze ko nubwo umubyeyi atunga ibyifuzo byibanze byumwana, ntibishimira (cyangwa ntibakiriho) bishimira kubana numwana. Mu buryo bumwe, ubwonko bwa ba se cyangwa ubw'ababyeyi “bufunga” kandi ntibabona amarangamutima meza ya opioide na oxytocine ababyeyi bakunze kubona iyo umubano hagati y'ababyeyi n'umwana ari mwiza; ntibagishakisha aho bahurira numwana, kandi aho gutwarwa nubusabane, ababyeyi bahinduka imyitwarire mugihe bakorana numwana.
Niba rero ibi ari ibintu bikomeye, kuki bitavuzwe? Njye kubwanjye nibwira ko ari ukubera ko, byibura nkumubyeyi, birashobora kumva biteye isoni. Nkurukozasoni cyane. Ndashaka kuvuga… nigute umuntu adakunda umwana we? Nigute badashaka gukora ibintu bishimishije nabo? Nigute bashobora guhagarika amarangamutima yabo kuri bo?
Nibyiza, nkumuntu wagize ikibazo cyo kwita kubana… Ndashobora kwemeza ko bibaho koko. Urashobora kubakunda no kubitaho, ariko ntushobora guhora ubakunda kandi ushaka kubana nabo. Kandi nk'umubyeyi… cyane cyane nk'umuntu wahisemo ko umwana yinjira mu rugo rwe, kurinda no kubungabunga umutekano no gufasha umwana gutera imbere… yumva ari mubi kandi bikabije… bityo abantu ntibashaka kubyemera.
Ngaho… Nabivuze. Niba kandi wareze gato hanyuma ukibwira ko ibi bitakureba, reka nkwereke ko hari ubwoko bune bwitaweho: gukara, karande, umwana wihariye, hamwe nicyiciro cyihariye… reka rero mfate akanya hanyuma usobanure buri kimwe muri ibyo.
Kwitonda gukabije bikunze kubaho mugihe habaye ikintu kibabaje nkurupfu, cyangwa ibibazo byubuzima cyangwa ubwoba. Iyo umubyeyi arwana no kugenzura amarangamutima yabo kubyerekeye ibirori nkibi, birashobora kuba urugamba rwo kubona isano numwana. Kwitaho Kudakira Byakunze kubaho mugihe umubyeyi yagize ubwihebe bwabana ubwabo kandi kubwibyo amygdala yabo "yaka" kenshi kandi birashobora kugorana kubigenga… kubwabo no kubana babo.
Umwana Wihariye Uhagaritswe Kwitaho nibyo bisa nkaho… mugihe umubyeyi yagerageje inshuro nyinshi guhuza umwana runaka kandi ahura ninzangano cyangwa kwangwa. Kubera iyo mpamvu, umubyeyi ahagarika amarangamutima yabo ku mwana kandi nta kugerageza guhuza ababyeyi cyangwa umwana.
Icyiciro cyihariye cyahagaritswe Kwitaho bibaho mubyiciro bimwe byiterambere… kandi nibyo gusa: bibaho hafi yicyiciro kimwe kuri benshi, niba atari bose, abana bababyeyi.
Noneho ushobora kuba urimo usoma ibi byose ukibwira uti: "Nibyo… Ndumva ibyo uvuga, none nabwirwa n'iki ko iyi ari urugamba iwanjye?" Nibyiza, hano hari ibimenyetso bike bishobora kuba aribyo wahuye nabyo:
- Kumva wirwanaho mugihe ukorana numwana wawe, kugirango wirinde kwangwa; yanga kwangwa
- Kumva uhora urengerwa, watwitse cyangwa unaniwe
- Kumenya ko wujuje ibyifuzo byumwana ariko ukaba utishimiye na kimwe muri byo
- Kwibanda ku myitwarire yumwana aho kwibanda kubyo imyitwarire ishobora kukubwira
- Kuba reaction aho gukora
- Kubona bigoye kugirira impuhwe umwana wawe then hanyuma ukumva ufite umutimanama uticira impuhwe
- Kumva watsinzwe
- Kwigunga mu muryango n'inshuti
- Kurakara hamwe n'inshuti magara n'umuryango
- Guhagarika amarangamutima
Noneho ubu ko nabisobanuye, birashoboka ko byumvikana neza murugo rwawe? Ndababwiza ukuri sinzi umubyeyi urera cyangwa umurera utarigeze aharanira byibuze kurwego runaka hamwe no kwitabwaho… niba rero utekereza wenda ibi aribyo wababajwe, ntukikubite… hari inzira gufasha!
Mbere ya byose… kwemera ko ari urugamba nintambwe yambere yo gufasha; Nzi ko byumvikana abakiriya ariko nukuri! Njye mbona ko kubwanjye ubwanjye, ngomba GUHITAMO kugirango menye ko ibi bintu byose binteye ubwoba hamwe numwana wanjye dukorana, duharanira ikintu kimwe… nubwo umwana wanjye atabibona. Ningomba guhora niyibutsa ko uyu ari njye n'umwana wanjye hamwe kurwanya ububabare bwe, ihohoterwa rye no kutitabwaho, no gukira kwe no kugarura ubwenge; ntabwo arinjye numwana wanjye (nubwo akenshi bishobora kubyumva gutya!).
Mu bushakashatsi nakoze ku giti cyanjye, nsanga ubu buhanga bukora ibintu bitangaje… kandi nubwo bisa nkibyoroshye, ntabwo buri gihe byoroshye! Hano rero ni: koresha imyifatire ya PACE kugirango ukomeze gusezerana (cyangwa kongera kwishora) hamwe numwana wawe - Gukina, Kwemera, Amatsiko, Kubabarana.
Ibi biragufasha guhuza umwana wawe, mbere yuko ugerageza gukosora imyitwarire yabo. Ifasha kuzana kwibanda mugutezimbere indangagaciro, inyungu ningeso hamwe numwana, muburyo bwo gukina nabwo bukuzana mwisi yabo. Hanyuma, iyo umaze gukora ibyo (na BENSHI muri mwebwe baragenzurwa) hanyuma ugakora ihuza, urashobora gukemura imyitwarire.
Kandi nkuko nabivuze… biroroshye ariko ntabwo buri gihe byoroshye. Mubyukuri, ntibisanzwe byoroshye. Kandi bisaba nkana. Ariko ndasezeranya ko imbaraga zakazi kawe zizatanga inyungu! Kandi, niba uri kure cyane muri iki cyobo cyitaweho kuburyo udashobora kubona inzira yawe… Ndagutera inkunga yo gushaka ubufasha bwumwuga. Iki nikindi kintu kitaganiriweho cyane kuko twese dusa nkaho dutekereza, kubwimpamvu runaka, ko dushobora kwikorera uyu mutwaro nta kibazo. Kandi akenshi ntidushobora! Kandi mvugishije ukuri, ntabwo tugomba!
Ibyo byose byo kuvuga: niba uhanganye nikibazo cyahagaritswe kandi / cyangwa guhagarika kwita murugo rwawe, hariho ubufasha, hariho ibyiringiro kandi hariho inzira yo gusubira kuba umubyeyi wifuza kuba no kuba umubyeyi umwana wawe akeneye.
Mubyukuri,
Kris