And this is not simply in media for adults…many intended for children utilize a child who is either an orphan or has been abandoned by at least one parent.

Please do be confused and do not hear what I’m not saying. I’m NOT saying kids can’t thrive as orphans or with one parent out of the picture.

I’m just saying that the media seems to really push that storyline. And my question to them is WHY?!? What is so appealing about an orphan hero?

And my problem is not that I don’t love a good overcoming odds story, as many of us do…that’s honestly probably the reason for the popularity.

And when I Google it, here’s the AI response I received (and honestly I think it is spot-on): “Isolated from a traditional, nurturing family environment an orphan is a manifestation of loneliness and vulnerability. These circumstances are prone to triggering a strong, sympathetic reaction in the reader, drawing them into the character’s journey.”

And while that may (probably) is true, my real issue with the orphan hero is that it can be triggering to such a large number of people (kids in foster care being some of them!); this does not mean it always is but it CAN be.

Obviously this is not an all-encompassing list, but here are a few examples to get you thinking about what your kids are watching or reading:

Superman

Batman

Spiderman

Nemo

Harry Potter

Annie

Lilo and Stitch

Frozen

Bambi

Dumbo

Despicable Me

Jungle Book

Cinderella

Star Wars

The Lion King

And many, many more…

For me personally, I never know what’s going to trigger my son. And maybe the same is true for you and your child; if you have more than one foster/adopted child, the triggers probably vary from child to child.

My son knows that he was a functional orphan; he doesn’t know that term, but he knows that he didn’t have permanency. He didn’t have biological parents who could care for him. He knows he was removed from them. He knows that one of the two parents didn’t even care about reunifying with him. He knows that he cannot return to them, but can visit as biomom is able.

Clearly there’s a lot just in his story that could easily be triggered by a movie that we’re watching together as a family.  And I find myself cringing, often, when the issue comes up in something we are watching or reading.

Now, I do realize that sometimes it seems to gloss right over him, but I also know that doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about it. He’s not dense. He can put pieces together and figure out a meaning behind a comment, and I do believe he’s understanding and thinking more about these things than he lets on.

But while we’re at it, let me briefly get on my soapbox: can we put a stop to all jokes about people being adopted? Like one sibling, saying to another, as an attempt to tease, that they are adopted? It’s not funny in any situation, but especially if there are adoptees nearby.

It’s not funny in real life and it’s not funny in media either.

End of rant.

So what I’m really saying is that I seriously doubt that the media is going to put a stop to utilizing the orphan hero storyline because it’s made them billions and billions of dollars; so what that means is that it is up to us as parents of “orphans” to do our homework. My encouragement is to always be aware and to check out shows and movies AHEAD of time to know what triggers MIGHT come up.

And if you can’t be preemptive (and I know that I am not always either), I encourage you to always be prepared for any and all fallout. Adoption and foster care themes are predominant in our media and there’s really no way around it. But as foster and adoptive parents, we can do our best to cushion the blows and to help our kids see that the story they’re watching on TV is a story, but it’s not their story…however, our children CAN be heroes and overcomers as well.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – Orphans as Heroes in Media appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

As it states on their website, the mission of First Steps is “to partner with Hoosier families whose young children are experiencing developmental delays and connect them with services that help them promote their child’s development.”

First Steps is a program that I first learned about when my now 22 year-old was an infant. He was born with torticollis, and even though we tried to remedy it with some stretches on our own, it was not quite enough. We were referred to First Steps by the pediatrician (although FYI: if you have specific concerns you’d like an opinion on, you can contact First Steps yourself and do a direct referral).

Basically it works like this: Once the referral goes through, you are contacted for an intake and then an evaluation (all of this is done in home, which is especially nice if you have other children; you don’t need to find a sitter or take them all along to these appointments).

If the child qualifies for services, and assuming your foster child is on Medicaid, you will pay nothing and the therapy or therapies will happen in your home; for children not on Medicaid, I believe it is insurance-based but I do have not have personal experience with that and the website is not as clear as it could be.

For my older son, he qualified only for Physical Therapy (PT) once a week. So once services began, we had a PT come to our home once a week for an hour. She would spend time stretching him, but more than that, she would teach me what to do to continue the work on the other days…which is where the real progress in his condition took place. Obviously the weekly appointments were crucial to ensure I was staying on track with my “tasks”, but the fact that I became knowledgeable and equipped helped me do what he needed; point being, we were able to work as a team to get him on track.

And as what I think is a kind of cool aside: Fast forward 11 years later when we took placement of a medically-fragile 3 month old (who had severe torticollis, as well as several other needs), we were already trained in how to do the stretches so we were able to begin them right away, as we awaited his First Steps referral to go through and for services to begin.

And speaking of services, I need to explain that First Steps provides so much more than PT (our youngest, in fact, used PT, OT, Speech and DT).  So just for your reference, the services available through First Steps include:

• Assistive Technology (AT)
• Audiological Services
• Developmental Therapy (DT) (which includes Family Education, Training, and Counseling;  Health services; Medical services; Nursing services; and Nutrition services)
• Occupational Therapy (OT)
• Physical Therapy (PT)
• Psychological Services
• Service Coordination (SC)
• Social Work Services
• Speech Therapy
• Transportation
• Vision
• Other Individualized Services

One last thing I would like to mention is that even if your child qualifies for a therapy or service with First Steps, it might be that he has not progressed enough by the age of three ; in such a case, he will then have therapies outside the home. My youngest had PT, OT and speech in home, but still needed services once he turned three so we transitioned to outside therapists.

And from my experience, First Steps does a wonderful job of helping you with the transition; they do not wait until the child is 3 and then simply drop him. They begin helping you with the transition process a couple months out so the child doesn’t have a lapse in services.

I know that this will not be a need that every foster parent has, but I wanted to make you aware just in case you or another foster parent you know might find it beneficial.

Sincerely,

Kris

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Because it is so upsetting and terrifying, I believe that most of us in the foster care world choose not to talk about it…almost like “if I don’t talk about it, it won’t ever happen” or “if I discuss it, it almost summons the call in on me”.

Clearly nothing like that is the case…but 310s are scary and that’s why we don’t often want to talk about them.

But that’s what I’ll be doing in my next few posts; I’ll dive into what a 310 is, the investigation process (in general…because no 310 investigation is ever going to go exactly by the textbook), possible outcomes of the 310 investigation, how to protect yourself from an investigation (as best you can), and validating how a 310 makes foster parents feel.

And for those of you who are new to this world, or if you’ve never had the “pleasure” of experiencing one, a 310 is what was called in on the biological family when the children in your care were removed. But 310s are called in all the time and it is not uncommon for one to be called in on foster or adoptive parents.

I’m going to admit something I’ve very rarely admitted (because it feels so gross and smug on my part), but I thought I was doing really well as a foster parent because we fostered for eight years and never had a 310 called in. What I failed to realize is that it can happen to anyone at any time for virtually anything, and when we had our family’s 310 investigation this past summer, I very quickly lost a lot of of that smugness (and when I say I lost a lot, I mean I lost it all.

I don’t say that to scare you, but to help you understand that it’s something that happens. Often. And you don’t need to feel like you’re all alone in the experience.

As we go through this series, I will try to give you as much information as I can so that in the event it does happen to you, you’re a little more prepared to walk through it. Additionally, and most of all, I want you to know that you’re not alone in how you feel and what you experience. It has happened to many of us (probably many of whom you are unaware that it’s happened to…because it can feel embarrassing to talk about), and while it can bring up a lot of different emotions for the foster or adoptive parents, there are things you can do as you walk through to help give you a sense of control.

So as I said above, first off in the series, I want to talk a little bit about what exactly a 310 is and how it is reported. As mentioned previously, the 310 is when a call is made to the hotline regarding suspected abuse or neglect of a child.

I think many of us are aware of what is probably the most common and that is a mandatory reporting call. Anyone who sees something suspicious has a required duty to call in a report to the anonymous line. They’ll take the information and move forward with it there. As I said, it is anonymous so the person receiving the call doesn’t know who called it in although of course there might be suspicions.

There is self reporting, when a foster adoptive parent knows that there’s something wrong or something has happened, it should be called in by them and they call in on themselves.

There’s agency reporting where the agency becomes aware of something that has happened in a foster home and they call in the report on the foster parents.

One other situation I do want to mention is that the majority of the time calls are made for an adult doing something to a child. But there is the rare instance where a 310 is called in for a child doing something to another child. Like I said, it’s not nearly as common, but it does happen, and if deemed necessary, it still requires the full investigation process.

Once a report has been made, then DCS will determine if screened in or screened out. If it is screened in, then they will pursue investigation and determine if further action is required. If it is screened out then there will be no further investigation on that call.

In my next post, I will dive deeper into what the DCS 310 investigation should (or could) look like.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – DCS Investigations: What is a 310 appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

I don’t care how long you’ve been fostering, but I would bet that at some point you have compared yourself and your ability as a foster parent to other foster parents. Maybe you’ve done it in a positive way, such as, “Wow, they handled that situation the same way I do and look how well it turned out!”

But if you’re like me at all, you have compared yourself in a demeaning way and you did not come out feeling so good about yourself. Here’s my example which I gave WAY too much space to in my head: “I feel completely stocked up on crazy and trauma, and life is so hard in my home…and I only have one kiddo from foster care. How do other families manage?!?”

Is that fair for me to compare myself to others like this? Would I tell someone else who said that to me that they are right to think that, or that they should stop comparing themself to others?

To answer that, I’m going to give you a little bit of our history with foster care. Our first placement was two girls, and it was way too much. I have long thought about it and definitely feel like if we had only had one of them, we might have been successful. If you’ve read my post in the past, you already know this, but we had to disrupt that placement because it was just too much.

Fast forward a few years. After our youngest son was adopted, we took another placement of the most relaxed infant ever. He was a cakewalk but our adopted son could not handle having him there. It was too much so we moved that sweet placement on as well. I’m saying all this because, if I’m being totally honest (and that’s what you come here for, right?), it has been 8 years since that happened and I STILL look at large families with foster and adopted kids and I think, “Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I handle that? How do they have so much more bandwidth than me?”

But, in an effort to let go of that detrimental comparison, I’ve thought on it and believe what’s really at play is that I don’t know their story. I don’t know what’s going on in their homes. I don’t know what their childhoods were like and what skills they developed or innately have. I don’t know that everyone is really thriving, I don’t know their kids diagnoses or issues or struggles, and, to be honest, my kid is just a lot. And I know for a fact that not everyone is parenting a similar complex and difficult diagnosis in their home like I am.

Obviously, I don’t know for sure, but he is honestly like five kids at times; dysregulation comes swift and often, so much so that the whole household would be just regulated if we had other kids from hard places. In fact, we don’t have other kids from hard places but the household sometimes gets dysregulated at times with only him.

So I say all this to say to you: don’t compare yourself to other foster and adoptive parents. Do what you are able to, and do your best – that’s all you really can do. The comparison does you no good. It can just end up leaving you feeling bitter, broken, discouraged, disgruntled, or discontent (and trust me, I know- I have experienced them all). But none of that is beneficial to anyone. And it’s definitely not going to help you be a better foster parent.

Though my post is short today, I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else is struggling with the tendency to compare. Also, this might be a little cliché, but I’m going to say it anyway: if you’re worried that you’re not doing things well, you’re probably actually doing a great job with the trauma you are taking care of on the daily.

Sincerely,

Kris

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But I have realized, as I have taken a step back and tried to do things just for me, that it IS important. I’ve touched on this in other posts, but I feel that it warrants being reiterated: it’s very easy to lose yourself when you’re on the foster care and adoption journey. At least it was for me. I was so wrapped up in trying to fix/help my child that I lost all sense and sight of who I was and what I enjoyed.

I used to love doing crafts and taking aerobics and reading. And then once I delved into this world, most of that stopped. I felt like I couldn’t justify the time because when I wasn’t caring for a traumatized child, I had to do other things to keep the house running. I grew up in a very clean and tidy home and felt like that was the expectation everyone had of me as well. And it was the expectation I had of myself. I thought I had to cook dinner every single night, and felt guilty if I threw in a frozen pizza.

I don’t know if it’s the passage of time, perspective, or just that I’m really tired…but I finally realized I needed to find myself again. And I don’t know if that’s exactly what self-care is, but it is for me.

Some of this might resonate with you and some of it might not, but here’s a sampling of some of the changes I’ve made over the past couple years and because of them, I feel so much more liberated and like myself. And I also realized that my family is in no way suffering because I am taking care of myself as well. In fact, they’re probably doing better because I don’t always try to do everything for them.

So, here’s my list of some of my changes, in no particular order:

• I got a 70 pound dog that needs to be walked 3 to 4 times a day so I get to get out and get some exercise and fresh air.
• I bought myself a weighted vest to wear while I’m walking the dog. And sometimes just around the house. I found that it really helps regulate me, especially when I get that first walk in the morning.
• get up about an hour before everyone else in the house. I get myself dressed. I have a cup of coffee. I have some quiet time and I do some reading. I might even get dinner prepped. It’s just nice to me to have the house to myself… because that doesn’t happen much.
• If I’m out for a meeting in the evening, I don’t always feel inclined to have dinner ready for my family. There might be some leftovers or there might not. I might give them some options of what they could fix or I just tell them everyone’s on their own.
• I take time to read a book almost every day. As of this writing, I have read 75 books this year. I used to love to read and always felt guilty when I took the time, but this year, I’ve decided I’m not going to feel guilty about it.
• I pay a little bit extra to do grocery pick up. I know in the long run, I’m probably saving money because I’m not grabbing any impulse buys and it’s so much easier. Plus I can send my adult son who lives at home for the pickup if needed.
• I have started gardening, discovered that I love it, and have been canning to save for the winter.

Like I said, your list might look vastly different from mine and that’s totally fine. Like I said, some people might not consider this self-care, but at the very least it’s an attempt to find my way back to myself, and maybe you might find yourself along the way as well.

Sincerely,

Kris

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I don’t think it did it intentionally, but instead avoided it because it was a difficult situation; to be fully transparent, I really did not know how to approach it without disparaging him. That’s one of the things they said in the talk: be honest, but avoid disparaging. Also, don’t embellish the story and make the family of origin sound amazing, for obvious reasons, because that will leave the child confused about why they were removed or placed for adoption.

All that to say, I was deeply convicted that I needed to rectify this situation; my son is 11 and closing in on the “knowing his full story by the time he is 12” milestone. I was incredibly thankful for the suggestion of tossing a pebble; after so much time of NOT discussing the birth dad, I knew it might come as a surprise to my son that I was bringing him up. Surprising, confusing, upsetting…I knew those were all possible, so I had just avoided it.

But I also knew there were going to be other questions coming my way due to circumstances in the birth mom’s current life, and I needed to lay some groundwork by getting the whole story out there. And even though it was still incredibly uncomfortable, I was thankful the speakers provided a great tool for me to utilize, even though I had not asked for it. And I know you’re not necessarily asking me what I said or how it went, but I want to share my experience to give you confidence to try tossing a pebble yourself.

I planned my pebble toss to be at a time when we were engaged in a jigsaw puzzle…so we were close together but not looking at each other; I find that helps when a difficult topic is being discussed. (I know that’s a little off topic but I wanted to mention it in case it helps someone else in a similar situation.)

To get the conversation (or what I hoped would be a conversation) started, I tossed out this pebble: “I wonder if you’ve ever thought about why you are so tall. Your mom is tiny so I wonder where you get your height.”

And my son responded, “Why do you say that?”

So I said, “Well, you know how we inherit our physical characteristics from our birth family and since your mom is not tall, I wonder why you would be so tall…and I wondered if you ever thought about that too.”

He was quick to say no, that he had not thought about that (which honestly made me think he HAD, in fact, thought about it…but since we had not discussed birth dad previously, I understood if he was taking his cues from me that it was a subject we didn’t talk about so he didn’t want to admit that he WAS thinking about him). But also…he didn’t change the subject, and he didn’t leave the room and he didn’t tense up… so I took that as a sign that he wanted more information but didn’t necessarily want to ask.

So I tiptoed into an area we’ve never ventured into and shared a bit of what I knew…and left it at that. He didn’t ask any questions and I didn’t offer any more information. We just kept working on our puzzle and then I started talking about something completely different.

Over the next few weeks, I had other opportunities to toss more pebbles and share more of the story. It seems to me (and it might just be my son, I realize) but by giving him small amounts of the story at a time, he has time to digest/process and then we share more. To give it all would be overwhelming and dysregulating, which is obviously something we try to avoid if at all possible.

Clearly your situation may be vastly different from mine. Maybe you’ve done a pretty good job of sharing most of the story but just have to give a few final details. Or maybe you have hardly shared a thing for one reason or another. But I want you all to know that it’s important to get your child’s story into their own hands so they can wrestle it through and begin to fully heal.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – Telling Your Child Their Story (Part 2) appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

Now to be fair to myself, it was not terrible (there were just more holes than I had previously wanted to admit to), and it was totally fixable because I had not lied; I mostly needed to flush out a bunch of details. So overall I had a lot left to tell. And maybe you do as well.

I’m sure many of us have heard that the general consensus of experts say that kids should know their full story by the time they’re 12 years old. Now I want to pause there and say obviously only if the child is going to be able to handle it. If they are very low function or they are emotionally much, much younger, I don’t know that 12 needs to be the hard and fast rule. To be clear, the ladies running the training did not say that, but this is me interjecting with my non-professional (but lived-experience) opinion.

Now because it was a super-informative training, I want to share with you some of the other things that they discussed. First and foremost, they acknowledge that it is uncomfortable for both the adoptive or foster parent AND for the child. So much so that often times it’s never brought up because everyone’s uncomfortable. So their point in the training was this: if the child is not bringing it up, it is up to you as the adult (the steward of the story), to be the one to “toss a pebble”.

So what does that mean? “Toss a pebble”? Basically it’s tossing out a little thought about your child as they relate to their birth family and seeing if the child will engage in the conversation. For example: “You have such beautiful hazel eyes. I wonder who else in your family of origin has hazel eyes.” You’ve not asked a question, you’ve simply made an observation and then sat back to wait and see if the child will engage. The child may respond with a comment or question about their eyes or about something completely different about their family of origin. Or they might change the subject altogether.

And each one of those is perfectly fine because this exercise is not so much to start a conversation (although it could be great if you do), but mostly it’s about showing the child that you are thinking about their birth family. You can already guess that more than likely, they are as well, but they do not know how to bring it up to you; the child has many mixed emotions about it (which is understandable!) But by tossing a pebble, you’re showing that you are a safe space to talk about their family of origin.

One of the other points from the talk is that you should be completely truthful. Don’t embellish and don’t leave out details…even if it’s really hard; only when there is truth can a child begin to move forward with healing. It’s clearly not going to happen right away, but if they are left to wonder about their story, or if there are gaps in the story, they will fill in their own details which are more than likely not accurate.

Also, do not be afraid to say that you don’t know an answer. More than likely at some point there will be questions that you don’t know the answer to. It might be that no one knows the answer. So don’t be afraid to sit in that with your child as well.

One last point they made is that if you don’t know an answer, know that it very well might be that you need to seek out help from someone else…maybe someone who has experienced a similar journey to your child. But is ahead of your child in the journey and is working their way towards healing. This person will understand your child in a way that you can’t because they have had a similar experience. And this person may be able to see and validate your child in a way that you can’t. Not because you’re not trying, not because you don’t love your child, but simply because you could never fully grasp your child’s feelings and story in a way that this other person may. And this will help your child with his healing as well.

Often times for a foster or adoption child, there is a lot of felt shame in the fact that they are not with their biological family. Obviously these circumstances came to be through no fault of the child, but there still is much to work through. By sharing their full story with them and allowing them to face the facts of their reality, only then can they mourn all that they have lost and move ahead with healing.

Sincerely,

Kris

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Now I’ll be the first to admit that I have not always had a ton of success getting my child to completely buy into doing a bunch of heavy work. But he does do some, and it definitely has helped him. Whether he believes it or not, the fact of the matter remains that heavy work provides a lot of deep pressure on his muscles which helps him with his sensory processing struggles, motor planning, and ability to focus.

And even though we struggle to get our heavy work done, I have heard tell of other people who have had good luck with such things. For example, I know a mom who often has her child such move a load of firewood across the yard before he comes in the house after school. And then on the next day, he moves it back to where it was.

I realize (and she does too) that it seems a little weird but he enjoys it…especially once he realized how much it helps him. I may be making a leap in my assumption, but in addition to the heavy work, this also gives him time to decompress, as well as gives him time outdoors in the fresh air and sunshine.

But for most of us, we probably want more typical (and maybe easier to sneak in) ideas. So here are a few I have put together for you, in no particular order:

• running
• playing catch (with a weighted ball is even better!)
• jumping on a trampoline
• playing hop-scotch
• jumping rope
• monkey bars
• climbing on playground equipment
• riding a bike
• riding a non-electric scooter
• swimming (going off a diving board is especially good, also diving to the bottom to collect dive toys or coins)
• shoveling snow
• digging in sand
• raking leaves
• doing pushups (on the ground or against the wall)
• carrying small hand weights or wearing leg weights
• carrying a heavy blanket
• watering plants with watering can
• carrying groceries
• pulling someone on a sled (obviously in the winter with snow would be easier, but a thick grassy area would also work)
• pulling a wagon
• pushing a stroller
• pushing a grocery cart
• vacuuming
• carrying a full laundry basket
• mopping
• sweeping
• stirring or kneading bread dough
• moving furniture
• rearranging books on shelves
• playing with play dough or putty
• wrestling (and I even hesitate to mention it because it could escalate a sensitive nervous system…so use your own judgement!)

There are many other ways to get your child some heavy work into their day; take a look around to see what things they already enjoy and capitalize on that.

I know it might seem like I’m adding to your already-busy plate by suggesting you add this in, but I want to encourage you that if your child struggles with knowing “where their body is in relationship to others”, making time for heavy work should become a priority. If you do, I would venture to guess that you will see that they don’t need to get that input by jumping off furniture and crashing into people.

Sincerely,

Kris

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