I have often referenced something called \u201ccompassion fatigue\u201d; you may have heard of it by another name, \u201cblocked care.\u201d Now, I\u2019m not sure how I\u2019ve missed this information for many years, but I\u2019ll admit that I have\u2026which is why I\u2019m writing about it here so that hopefully it doesn\u2019t pass by any of you!<\/p>\n
What is compassion fatigue and why am I making a big deal out of telling you? Simply put, it is when prolonged stress represses a parent\u2019s ability to give or maintain loving or empathic feelings towards their child. This is often parents’ way of protecting themselves from a child\u2019s trauma (which many times shows up in fearful, dysregulated, and extremely challenging behaviors).<\/p>\n
In short,\u00a0it means\u00a0that sometimes a foster parent does not feel emotionally connected with a child or children\u00a0in\u00a0their care.<\/p>\n
Now,\u00a0please understand: it\u00a0doesn\u2019t\u00a0happen\u00a0with every placement,\u00a0and it\u00a0doesn\u2019t\u00a0happen\u00a0with every child.\u00a0But it can happen for\u00a0multiple reasons: sometimes it is\u00a0either event-specific or child-specific,\u00a0and other times it has to do with a child\u2019s specific life stage or with the foster parent\u2019s own childhood.<\/p>\n
When I\u00a0say\u00a0event-specific,\u00a0an example\u00a0might be after a funeral or\u00a0another\u00a0loss.\u00a0For instance, maybe you were fostering children\u00a0from\u00a0different cases,\u00a0and one was reunified\u00a0with siblings in another foster home,\u00a0and the other remains\u00a0with you. You might feel a disconnect from the\u00a0child\u00a0still in your home because of the loss you\u2019re walking through with\u00a0the reunification of the\u00a0other child.<\/p>\n
Sometimes foster parents just do not connect as well with one child\u00a0as with another; just as with individuals in other areas of our lives.\u00a0Kids coming into foster care are the same way.\u00a0This would be an example of a child-specific instance.\u00a0Over time, this stressful relationship in the home takes its toll on parents and their own defenses begin to take over, possibly leading to the development of resentful and angry feelings. Understandably, it\u2019s extremely difficult\u00a0for parents\u00a0to be loving and caring when\u00a0in this emotional space.<\/p>\n
It may have to do with a child\u2019s specific life-stage (infancy, toddler, adolescence,\u00a0etc.); and it may be the stress of a child not\u00a0\u201cbeing\u00a0his\/her chronological age.\u201d\u00a0This\u00a0\u201csimple\u201d\u00a0fact can be difficult to\u00a0remember and accept when you\u2019re in the midst of parenting. Just a reminder\u00a0–\u00a0children coming into care have suffered great loss,\u00a0and as a result,\u00a0their brains may be rewired to react in a way you might consider\u00a0\u201catypical.\u201d\u00a0Their maturity does not always match their chronological age\u2026and honestly,\u00a0that sometimes can be hard to deal with.<\/p>\n
Then\u00a0there is chronic compassion fatigue\u00a0that\u00a0happens when parents have experienced trauma in their own childhoods (thinking back to the post about the ACES Quiz a few weeks ago). It CAN (not always and not even most of the time\u2026but CAN) be difficult for them to parent kids from hard places,\u00a0because it might trigger the parents themselves.<\/p>\n
An additional\u00a0possibility for compassion fatigue\u00a0(which I didn\u2019t read about anywhere\u2026this is my own conjecture)\u00a0is simply because foster care is difficult. At least in my experience. In addition to juggling my biological children,\u00a0my husband,\u00a0and household, I am constantly thinking about the foster child and what\u00a0they\u00a0need. What can I do for him?\u00a0How can I help her?\u00a0What\u00a0does this particular behavior mean?\u00a0What resources do I need to find for\u00a0them? Frankly\u2026it\u2019s exhausting,\u00a0so\u00a0by\u00a0virtue of that fact, you can be encumbered and just fall into burnout.<\/p>\n
All that said\u2026why is compassion fatigue such a bad thing? I mean\u2026it makes sense that it would happen, right? Can\u2019t you just work through it? Unfortunately, it\u2019s not only that you have compassion fatigue\u2026it\u2019s how that fatigue affects your parenting of the child. Your parenting tends to become more reactive (simply responding to problems rather than to a child\u2019s emotional state),\u00a0and your attention gets pulled towards the most negative\u00a0aspects of the child.<\/p>\n
So,\u00a0what are some signs\u00a0that\u00a0you may be struggling with compassion fatigue?<\/p>\n
And now after identifying compassion fatigue, what can you do about it if you have it\u2026or what can you do to try to avoid it? First of all, learn what your vulnerable spots are in your parenting game (like through your ACES score, for instance) and understand your history, values, and beliefs. This can reduce the chance of you becoming defensive and reactive with your child. If you experience feelings of fear, anger, discouragement, and shame, try to take some time to process where these feelings might be coming from. If you\u2019re still struggling to figure out where it\u2019s coming from, work with a therapist familiar with attachment and trauma who can provide the space for you to do this.<\/p>\n
Be aware of the messages your amygdala is sending you! This system in your brain is tuned-in to threat,\u00a0which can of course be useful, but can also lead us to mis-read our child\u2019s intentions;\u00a0sending us into fight, flight or freeze mode\u2026which, I probably don\u2019t have to tell you, does not make for great parenting.<\/p>\n
Try to tap in to the progress your child has made and not just at the minutia of a specific moment. Pull back and look\u00a0\u201cbig picture\u201d\u00a0to try to get in tune with the empathy you desire to have for the child.<\/p>\n
And lastly, this is going to sound really trite, but the answer is what the answer is\u2026self-care. I know, I know\u2026it\u2019s\u00a0\u201cthe thing\u201d\u00a0right now, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0But it\u2019s definitely something that helps take care of compassion fatigue.\u00a0So\u2026self-care\u00a0can mean\u00a0a lot of different things,\u00a0and\u00a0as a foster parent, you have to look at what you need\u00a0to\u00a0best care for yourself, and\/or\u00a0give yourself a break. It might mean daily exercise\u2026I find that if I can get 30 to 60 minutes of exercise\u00a0each\u00a0day, I feel like a different person. I don\u2019t mean it\u00a0has\u00a0to be heavy-duty cardio, but sometimes just some fresh\u00a0air and walk around the block does wonders. It might mean getting a massage;\u00a0it might mean seeing a therapist;\u00a0it might mean a coffee date with a friend once a week;\u00a0it might mean connecting with other foster parents\u2026or whatever it is for you\u00a0(and honestly it may be multiple things). That\u2019s what you need to do to help\u00a0combat\u00a0compassion\u00a0fatigue.<\/p>\n
Foster care is\u00a0hard enough as it is, without being weighed down with this\u00a0additional\u00a0fatigue. It weighs on you emotionally and physically,\u00a0as every\u00a0foster parent knows\u2026we don\u2019t\u00a0have\u00a0time for\u00a0that.\u00a0Ever.<\/p>\n
Sincerely,<\/p>\n
Kris<\/p>\n
<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have often referenced something called \u201ccompassion fatigue\u201d; you may have heard of it by another name, \u201cblocked care.\u201d Now, I\u2019m not sure how I\u2019ve missed this information for many years, but I\u2019ll admit that I have\u2026which is why I\u2019m writing about it here so that hopefully it doesn\u2019t pass by any of you! What […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9788","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kriss-corner"],"yoast_head":"\n