{"id":9703,"date":"2021-08-19T19:50:17","date_gmt":"2021-08-19T19:50:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.childrensbureau.org\/?p=9703"},"modified":"2025-02-25T12:05:52","modified_gmt":"2025-02-25T17:05:52","slug":"kris-corner-working-through-death-and-a-funeral","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fireflyin.org\/cnh\/resources\/news-library\/kris-corner-working-through-death-and-a-funeral\/","title":{"rendered":"Kris’ Corner- Working through Death and a Funeral"},"content":{"rendered":"

So,\u00a0let\u2019s talk for a minute about kids from hard places\u00a0dealing with death.\u00a0Clearly, any child in foster care has experienced loss\u2026simply by virtue of the fact that he is no longer with his biological family. The removal, in and of itself,\u00a0is a loss and it is traumatic, even if the situation was not healthy or safe.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The difference is that\u00a0for\u00a0a placement in care\u00a0the loss is usually that of a person who is still living.\u00a0Ugh\u2026let that sink in.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So,\u00a0because of this, death\u00a0is potentially super tricky to navigate\u00a0because it is\u00a0another\u00a0loss\u00a0for\u00a0a child\u00a0who\u00a0has already experienced great loss.\u00a0What I encourage you\u00a0to keep in mind\u00a0is\u00a0that not only can the death bring grief from this loss itself,\u00a0it can\u00a0additionally become\u00a0a trigger\u2026a reminder of all the other loss he has endured in his lifetime.\u00a0That said, grief over a death is\u00a0obviously\u00a0different\u00a0from\u00a0grief over the loss of people who\u00a0are\u00a0still living. But it is grief all the same.\u00a0And\u00a0by virtue of the fact that\u00a0children in foster care, or those who have been adopted,\u00a0have\u00a0<\/span>\u201c<\/span>two families,\u201d\u00a0it exponentially increases the odds for the child to experience\u00a0a\u00a0death and loss.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Stating the obvious here, but it might be biological family, it might be\u00a0the\u00a0foster or adoptive\u00a0family, or a family friend. But\u00a0a death\u00a0will come\u00a0at some point\u00a0and\u00a0how you address it and handle it will impact how the child is able to navigate.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While\u00a0my son was in foster care, this was never an issue\u00a0for us. He was two at the time of adoption and prior to that we\u2019ve had one family funeral, which occurred while\u00a0he was an infant.\u00a0\u00a0But\u00a0we were in new waters a few months ago\u00a0when\u00a0I had to tell him about the death of one of our neighbors.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She had been battling cancer for a year and a half, and he saw\u00a0the changes in her\u00a0(the bald head was his biggest clue, of course), but\u00a0he\u00a0wasn\u2019t entirely certain what was happening.\u00a0I tried, at that point, to keep things as vague as I could, and only answering the questions he had; we talked about cancer and that sometimes it made people really sick\u00a0and sometimes die.\u00a0But that just because someone had cancer didn\u2019t mean that they WOULD die.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A few weeks before it happened,\u00a0I knew it was coming. But\u00a0I\u00a0did not prepare him.\u00a0I didn\u2019t know what to do or say and so I just didn\u2019t; in hindsight, probably not the best approach. He was not terribly close to her, but since she did live across the\u00a0street,\u00a0they would\u00a0often\u00a0see each other and wave. Knowing\u00a0of\u00a0his special diet restrictions, she would always buy him a big bag of special candy at Halloween. And she kept\u00a0on hand\u00a0a supply\u00a0of\u00a0special suckers\u00a0just\u00a0for him when he would come over and ring her bell and ask\u00a0for one.\u00a0So,\u00a0though they were not close, he had a special place in her heart, and\u00a0she\u00a0in his.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When I told him that she died, his first reaction was kind of nonchalant. But once I learned of the funeral arrangements and the visitation, and I began prepping him for that, he became\u00a0angrier; I knew he\u2019d been processing it but I was having trouble getting him to verbalize his feelings (that\u2019s not his strong suit anyway, and grief wasn\u2019t doing him any favors). As we talked, I was able to draw out of him that he was mad because she had been out of suckers for a while\u2026I knew it was because she was sick and that\u00a0buying special suckers\u00a0was definitely not a priority.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But to him it was important\u00a0and was the way they\u2019d connected\u2026and\u00a0in his mind,\u00a0she had\u00a0clearly\u00a0let him down. He brought it up several times over the next couple days\u00a0until I\u00a0was able to get him to understand\u00a0that she\u00a0had been\u00a0sick,\u00a0and that she wanted to get suckers for him but just couldn\u2019t go to the store because she was too sick.\u00a0At that point\u00a0he softened, and did not mention it again.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When I told him we were going to go to a visitation, before the funeral\u00a0(we did not attend the funeral itself\u2026I realized that I\u2019d been given the opportunity to take baby steps with him on this so I was going to do just that).\u00a0\u00a0I explained what that was,\u00a0but he was adamant\u00a0he did not really want to go.\u00a0Most of that response, I suspect, was because he always like to be\u00a0\u201cin the know\u201d\u00a0and just because I explain what will happen, it doesn\u2019t always translate into him\u00a0\u201cknowing\/understanding\/envisioning\u201d\u00a0what will truly take place and his anxiety takes over.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But\u00a0after several conversations about what it would be like, and after\u00a0I\u00a0explained that\u00a0there would be lots of pictures\u00a0to look at,\u00a0and\u00a0that\u00a0her husband and daughters would be there,\u00a0he finally agreed\u00a0to go.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Understandably, he did not want to go\u00a0through\u00a0the line, and I did not make him. He wanted to look at the pictures, and he wanted to sit on the sofa that was as close to the casket as he could get,\u00a0but still several feet away.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And then he took it all in.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He watched the people, he looked at the flowers, he asked many questions, such as, when pointing to the casket,<\/span>\u00a0\u201c<\/span>Are they going to close that hatch when they bury it?\u201d\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Fortunately,\u00a0that was not loud enough for anyone else to hear, but when you\u2019re new to death and all the formalities and rituals that we have,\u00a0you\u2019re probably going to have questions. I knew that this was just preparing him for a\u00a0closer-to-home\u00a0experience with death,\u00a0such as\u00a0someone in the family or someone he knew well.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And then it was on the way home that the flood of questions really came. Our family, personally, believes in Heaven and so he had many questions about how our neighbor could be\u00a0\u201clying in that box and be in Heaven at the same time.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But the thing that seemed most obvious to me, as he was asking questions was this: Are YOU going to die someday, Mommy? Are YOU going to leave me forever?\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And that, my friends, was the most difficult thing for both of us to get past.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

For a child who has experienced great hurt and loss and has fought for the attachments he has\u2026even the anxious attachment style he has\u2026the thought of losing his family was enough to undue us both. Needless to say, the tears were flowing in the car that afternoon.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But, as he tends to do, he has not mentioned her or anyone\u2019s death since that day. I know it\u2019s still rolling around in his head\u2026as we see the neighbors, and the new puppy they got to try to find some joy in their lives\u2026but he never mentions her death.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He is\u00a0\u201cin his own head\u201d\u00a0a lot about things, and over the 7 years he\u2019s been with us, we are still not always able to draw him out.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I have tried to\u00a0\u201cbait\u201d\u00a0him by asking if he\u2019s thinking about anyone or if he has questions about things he wants to ask or discuss. But the answer is always no.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So,\u00a0as I wait for him to be ready to fully process this\u2026and I know the time will come at some point\u2026I stand ready to pick up the pieces. Be it the processing of her death or someone else\u2019s\u2026death always comes and at some\u00a0point,\u00a0it will be very close. And he will have to fully process all of it.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

For a child from hard places, processing of death and loss may look different than someone who has not experienced severe trauma. And that\u2019s ok\u2026so long as we, the parents, the supporters, the caregivers know and understand that\u2026and give time, space and margin to the child. And just be ready when he is.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sincerely,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kris<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So,\u00a0let\u2019s talk for a minute about kids from hard places\u00a0dealing with death.\u00a0Clearly, any child in foster care has experienced loss\u2026simply by virtue of the fact that he is no longer with his biological family. The removal, in and of itself,\u00a0is a loss and it is traumatic, even if the situation was not healthy or safe.\u00a0\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9703","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kriss-corner"],"yoast_head":"\nKris' Corner- Working through Death and a Funeral - Firefly Children and Family Alliance<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/fireflyin.org\/cnh\/resources\/news-library\/kris-corner-working-through-death-and-a-funeral\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Kris' Corner- Working through Death and a Funeral - Firefly Children and Family Alliance\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"So,\u00a0let\u2019s talk for a minute about kids from hard places\u00a0dealing with death.\u00a0Clearly, any child in foster care has experienced loss\u2026simply by virtue of the fact that he is no longer with his biological family. 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