{"id":9398,"date":"2021-06-10T22:39:19","date_gmt":"2021-06-10T22:39:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.childrensbureau.org\/?p=9398"},"modified":"2025-02-25T12:05:54","modified_gmt":"2025-02-25T17:05:54","slug":"kris-corner-from-the-trenches-what-i-wish-id-known-part-4","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fireflyin.org\/cnh\/resources\/news-library\/kris-corner-from-the-trenches-what-i-wish-id-known-part-4\/","title":{"rendered":"Kris’ Corner-From the Trenches: What I wish I’d Known part 4"},"content":{"rendered":"

It will surely come as no surprise that when you become a foster parent, your time ends up being split even more than ever. And\u00a0so,\u00a0you have to be careful in guarding your own time\u00a0and\u00a0the time of your family; to assist with that, you\u2019ll need to set (or learn to\u00a0set) healthy, realistic\u00a0boundaries.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>The foster parents I spoke to had a few things to say on this topic. Three of them did, in fact. So even though I often only quote one parent per topic, this time I have quoted three, as their points are valid and they speak from positions of experience:<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>\u201cMake sure that your\u00a0\u2018No’\u00a0means no when it comes to your schedule and visit times. Advocate for your family time and protect it! No one in\u00a0\u2018the system\u2019\u00a0will come in to put your family back together so\u00a0you have to\u00a0make your family a priority.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>\u201cIt’s okay to advocate for your own family’s schedule and needs…. it’s\u00a0okay to say that something will not work or you need a different time.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>\u201cI wish I\u2019d known about the\u00a0flexibility you need with your schedule\u2026I wasn\u2019t prepared to have so many people in\u00a0and\u00a0out of my home…and many of whom (especially\u00a0with our first couple cases) didn\u2019t seem to have much respect for our time or schedule.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>All that said, the point of these quotes is this:\u00a0Make sure you give priority to your own family when you can.\u00a0And we will all freely admit:\u00a0It\u2019s really hard to find that balance, especially\u00a0at the beginning\u00a0of a placement;\u00a0but\u00a0you do have to advocate for\u00a0yourself\u00a0on some level.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Now you might be asking yourself: why are these families making such a big deal about priorities? Aren\u2019t we just trying to help the children? Why\u00a0do\u00a0we\u00a0have to make our family a priority?<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Well, unfortunately, there\u00a0seemingly is often little to no\u00a0priority of your family, on the part of DCS, visit supervisors, transporters or anyone else.\u00a0Understandably, priority is given to the\u00a0biological parents, and the\u00a0kids and\u00a0their\u00a0care, which makes sense. They are the\u00a0responsibility\u00a0of DCS (and subsequently that of the contractors: visit supervisors, therapists, transporters,\u00a0etc).\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>And, of course, the\u00a0foster\u00a0kids are your responsibility\u00a0(as foster parents)\u00a0as well\u2026but so is your own family\u00a0and that is OK.\u00a0I don\u2019t know exactly why this is, but sometimes the social workers involved in the case will make you feel like it\u2019s not OK\u00a0to prioritize your family, but it is.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>I\u2019m giving you permission\u00a0to prioritize your family, just in case you needed someone to say that.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Now\u2026not always TOP priority\u2026but at least allow your own family to make the LIST of priorities.\u00a0That\u2019s not to say you should be difficult or hard-nosed when the visit supervisor tries to make a change to the schedule, or if DCS wants to add visits or something else.\u00a0If you can step back and mentally assess whether or not\u00a0what they\u2019re asking\u00a0is a big deal, you might realize that it\u2019s not a problem to accommodate it. And every once in a while, the change actually improves the schedule for the foster home as well.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Over time and with experience, you\u2019ll learn to choose your battles and know when to say no, when to roll with it, and when to give grace. Sometimes it\u2019s really not convenient to have an extra visit scheduled in, or a visit time changed\u2026but when it\u2019s something like Mother\u2019s Day, or Christmas, I encourage you to try to remember it\u2019s not just about you. And when possible, bend.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>When you get into foster care, you have to understand that everyone involved (you, the child, the biological parents, DCS, and everyone else) is probably going go to have to\u00a0<\/span>\u201c<\/span>bend<\/span>\u201d; rarely will anyone get things exactly as they\u2019d like. And\u00a0admittedly, the foster parents will often have to bend the most. But that does not mean you can\u2019t stand up for yourself. You might not (probably won\u2019t) get all of what\u00a0you\u2019re\u00a0asking, but you should not allow yourself to be a doormat of sorts. You can stand your ground on certain things, especially when it comes to maintaining a healthy family.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Sincerely,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kris<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It will surely come as no surprise that when you become a foster parent, your time ends up being split even more than ever. And\u00a0so,\u00a0you have to be careful in guarding your own time\u00a0and\u00a0the time of your family; to assist with that, you\u2019ll need to set (or learn to\u00a0set) healthy, realistic\u00a0boundaries.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0The foster parents I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9398","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kriss-corner"],"yoast_head":"\nKris' Corner-From the Trenches: What I wish I'd Known part 4 - Firefly Children and Family Alliance<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/fireflyin.org\/cnh\/resources\/news-library\/kris-corner-from-the-trenches-what-i-wish-id-known-part-4\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Kris' Corner-From the Trenches: What I wish I'd Known part 4 - Firefly Children and Family Alliance\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It will surely come as no surprise that when you become a foster parent, your time ends up being split even more than ever. 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