{"id":39568,"date":"2025-02-26T13:25:38","date_gmt":"2025-02-26T18:25:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fireflyin.org\/?p=39568"},"modified":"2025-03-06T14:03:47","modified_gmt":"2025-03-06T19:03:47","slug":"kris-corner-coping-mechanisms","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fireflyin.org\/cnh\/resources\/news-library\/kris-corner-coping-mechanisms\/","title":{"rendered":"Kris&#8217; Corner &#8211; Coping Mechanisms"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>So foster care (and honestly life in general) is filled with a variety of different coping mechanisms. As a foster parent, you might find that you have some as well (and even if you don\u2019t \u201cfind\u201d that you do, chances are you have them\u2026because being a foster parent is hard and we ALL have ways to cope with the stress.)<\/p>\n<p>But that\u2019s not really what I came here to talk about today. I\u2019d like to talk about the coping mechanisms we might see in the kids in care, and how we *might* help them reframe those unhealthy habits into more helpful ones. It\u2019s not a definite that we will be able to accomplish that, but I wanted to provide you with some tips and tricks to at least try.<\/p>\n<p>We all know that kiddos in care are coping with an incredibly stressful situation\u2026even more so than being the foster parent (which is also stressful, as you probably know): leaving behind everything and everyone you know, possibly leaving behind all your possessions, living with total strangers, going to a new school, riding with another stranger to and from visits with your family of origin, talking with other visitors to the home (either weekly or monthly), being separated from your siblings\u2026and the list could go on. Those are just a few of the things a child in care might be dealing with.<\/p>\n<p>As a result of those sudden changes in his life, a child might be (read: more than likely is) grieving, depressed, anxious, or a combination of the three. And even though they are going through so much emotional turmoil, there is often still a \u201choneymoon period\u201d in the new foster home. The child will often be compliant, helpful, kind, respectful, etc. This is also a defense mechanism, but it might not last as long as the next stage of grief.<\/p>\n<p>And these feelings, as you may or may not know, can look like many other things (including but not limited to the following):<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>denial<\/li>\n<li>disbelief<\/li>\n<li>sadness<\/li>\n<li>emptiness<\/li>\n<li>loneliness (this especially if they are not only removed from parents but also separated from siblings)<\/li>\n<li>guilt (they may somehow feel responsible even though it is not their fault)<\/li>\n<li>anger<\/li>\n<li>resentment<\/li>\n<li>fear<\/li>\n<li>anxiety<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>As an example, we often use the phrase \u201cmad can look like sad\u201d in our house. For the longest time, we could not figure out why our child was angry about things\u2026until one day we discovered (quite by accident) that his \u201cmad\u201d was, in fact, \u201csad\u201d. Game-changer.<\/p>\n<p>So to go along with those feelings of grief, depression or anxiety, here are a few of the unhealthy coping mechanisms you may or may not see from your kiddo (obviously there are more\u2026this is clearly not an exhaustive list):<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>start smoking or smoking more,<\/li>\n<li>start drinking alcohol or drinking more,<\/li>\n<li>start taking drugs or taking more,<\/li>\n<li>gambling,<\/li>\n<li>over-spending money,<\/li>\n<li>stealing,<\/li>\n<li>self-harming,<\/li>\n<li>restricting or binging and purging food,<\/li>\n<li>over-eating,<\/li>\n<li>sleeping too much or not enough,<\/li>\n<li>and feeling driven to have an &#8220;adrenalin rush&#8221; with dangerous activities<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Now\u2026I am no expert but I have read a lot about trauma and have lived with it in my home for over 10 years. But my recommendation for helping a child work through some of their grief is Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI). If you aren\u2019t familiar with TBRI, I suggest taking a crash course in it. Some organizations offer shortened versions of the training. You can do the full 7+ hours of training right through the official website if you are so inclined. You can find videos on YouTube which will help you better understand the basic tenets. Either read or listen to the audiobook of \u201cThe Connected Child\u201d by David R. Cross, Karyn B. Purvis, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine. Another way to look at this is by using something called \u201clow-demand parenting\u201d (which I am actually going to tackle in my next post, so stay tuned for more!).<\/p>\n<p>Bottom line: prioritize the relationship with the child. If the child is struggling, don\u2019t push them away to their room\u2026draw them closer to you (not necessarily physically, which might not be appropriate for a child who has suffered trauma) but maintain close proximity to them\u2026in the same room, the same couch, etc. Be engaged with them, rather than being attentive to your phone (I say this because for many of us, the phone is our coping mechanism and if you are trying to help a child \u201ccome back online\u201d and re-regulate, if you\u2019re sitting there but are ignoring them, then you\u2019re not helping\u2026and possibly hurting the relationship.)<\/p>\n<p>Additionally, consider finding a support group for your child. They might not be ready (at least initially) to talk to a therapist, but they might be willing to talk to other kids in a similar situation. Helping them see and understand that they\u2019re not alone in their grief may be very beneficial.<\/p>\n<p>I know I\u2019ve barely scratched the surface on this and there is much more I could share\u2026but I wanted to give you a jumping off point from which you could do you own research, depending on what your child is showing you they need.<\/p>\n<p>Sincerely,<\/p>\n<p>Kris<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>So foster care (and honestly life in general) is filled with a variety of different coping mechanisms. As a foster parent, you might find that you have some as well (and even if you don\u2019t \u201cfind\u201d that you do, chances are you have them\u2026because being a foster parent is hard and we ALL have ways [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39568","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kriss-corner"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Kris&#039; Corner - Coping Mechanisms - Firefly Children and Family Alliance<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/fireflyin.org\/cnh\/resources\/news-library\/kris-corner-coping-mechanisms\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Kris&#039; Corner - Coping Mechanisms - Firefly Children and Family Alliance\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"So foster care (and honestly life in general) is filled with a variety of different coping mechanisms. 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