Let\u2019s talk for a minute about handholding. No I don\u2019t mean holding hands with your partner, or anything like that. I mean holding hands with your child.<\/p>\n
Often, when a child is learning to walk, or when they\u2019re a \u201cnewer walker\u201d a parent is holding their hand as they walk. Sometimes they can walk independently, but understandably is steadier when holding an adult\u2019s hand. When the child is a little bit bigger and you don\u2019t have them strapped in a stroller or shopping cart, you might ask (read here: mandate) them to hold your hand while walking across a parking lot or in a store. You do this to keep them safe, right? But what if the child didn\u2019t necessarily have that in some of their formative years? Or what if that was the only real time they felt safe with birth family\u2026was when they were holding an adult\u2019s hand? Maybe the parent wasn\u2019t emotionally available in any other way than to hold the child\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n
My point is this\u2026sometimes kids from trauma like to hold an adult\u2019s hand much later than a neurotypical child might. I would venture to guess (because it\u2019s not something I tracked at the time) that my older, neurotypical boys probably stopped holding my hand willingly at about five years old. That doesn\u2019t mean I still didn\u2019t insist on it when we were in potentially dangerous situations, but as they got a little bit older and I realized they were not going to run out in front of a car or would look before crossing the street, etc., I figured out I didn\u2019t have to hold their hands all the time\u2026so it stopped.<\/p>\n
But now I have a nine year old who still often grabs my hand when we\u2019re in a parking lot, or a crowded store, or a busy amusement park\u2026really anywhere there are crowds or there is potential for danger. It\u2019s not just my hand he holds\u2026he will also holds his dad\u2019s hand, and the hands of his older brothers if they are there. At first it really surprised me, but then I realized it\u2019s because he\u2019s looking to regulate himself and to feel safe. For whatever reason, he\u2019s feeling a little dysregulated or a little ill at ease in those moments. And so he holds our hand until the feeling passes.<\/p>\n
When he first continued doing this beyond the age of about six, I was a little worried about it\u2026and as I always do, I tried to figure out what it meant and why was he doing this? And is it really weird? And I also, to be honest, worried about what other people think. And sometimes that still crosses my mind, because at this point, it truly might look a little weird to people who don\u2019t know us. My child is not small and I am not tall; I tapped out at around 5\u20192\u201d, and at nine years old, he is rapidly closing in on 5\u2019 tall\u2026so it probably does look a little funny. But I know that for the benefit of him, I have to put aside those concerns and any speculations that others (read: strangers) might have. I\u2019m doing this for my child, and not for anyone else who might be watching. If they want to judge, that\u2019s their issue. If they want to ask why he\u2019s so big and still holding my hand, that\u2019s pretty gutsy first of all, but I would just tell them that he wants to and it\u2019s not a big deal.<\/p>\n
Believe me when I say: I realize he looks like he\u2019s about 12 years old, holding his mom\u2019s hand\u2026but I also know it\u2019s possible that at the age of 12, he will still be holding my hand\u2026and that\u2019s OK. I have to be ok with it, so he will be ok with it. And here\u2019s why it is ok: it\u2019s not hurting anyone, and in fact it is helping. We\u2019ve worked long and hard to get him to advocate for himself, and to express what he wants and what he needs in a healthy way that people can understand. And when we\u2019re walking along, and he takes my hand, that\u2019s very directly telling me, \u201cI need you right now. I don\u2019t need you to say anything or do anything\u2026 I need you to just be.\u201d<\/p>\n
And I don\u2019t know for sure, but I would venture to guess that it\u2019s also his way of saying, \u201cThank you for being here for me, and for being safe.\u201d I also know if I asked him why he was holding my hand, he wouldn\u2019t be able to verbalize it\u2026and that is also ok; it\u2019s difficult for many of us, even as adults, to be fully aware of why we do what we do. In this instance, he is still getting the help with regulation he needs.<\/p>\n
So I don\u2019t know if any of this applies to your situation\u2026either currently or it in the future, but I hope that it put you at ease and helped you to know that it\u2019s really not strange or unusual\u2026 It\u2019s just another way your child has been rewired through trauma and if you can get past the awkwardness you might be feeling about holding an older child\u2019s hand, you can instead be thankful that it shows he\u2019s connected to you .<\/p>\n
Sincerely,<\/p>\n
Kris<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Let\u2019s talk for a minute about handholding. No I don\u2019t mean holding hands with your partner, or anything like that. I mean holding hands with your child. Often, when a child is learning to walk, or when they\u2019re a \u201cnewer walker\u201d a parent is holding their hand as they walk. Sometimes they can walk independently, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[10,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17738","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kriss-corner","category-news"],"yoast_head":"\n