True confession: my child having special needs is the most isolating thing I\u2019ve ever experienced.<\/p>\n
Granted, foster care, in and of itself is similar in that lots of people don\u2019t understand it or necessarily even understand why you would choose to foster. But later on in our journey, when addressing the special needs of a child, especially one who doesn\u2019t present with outward medical issues and appears \u201cnormal\u201d or \u201ctypical\u201d on the outside\u2026 this has been, by far, the most misunderstood aspect of my parenting experience.<\/p>\n
And the thing that I think most people don\u2019t understand about a child with special needs is that the child didn\u2019t choose to be different. Sometimes it\u2019s the effects of choices other people have made. Or it is due to abuse or neglect suffered at the hands of the very people who should have been caring for and protecting them. Or sometimes it\u2019s something that spontaneously happens in utero. There are many reasons why a child could be called \u201cspecial needs\u201d and while trauma and abuse are a couple of them (and the ones I am most familiar with parenting), it all falls under the same large umbrella and isn\u2019t something people need to steer away from\u2026 even if it can be scary or intimidating simply by virtue of the fact that you don\u2019t have much experience with it.<\/p>\n
I will freely admit that before I entered into the world of foster care and adoption (and really the the whole world of special-needs), I did not get it. I felt like I tried to, at least on some level\u2026 but I really did not. I didn\u2019t go the extra mile, I didn\u2019t try to walk side-by-side with someone as they were experiencing the ups and downs of parenting a special needs child. I really just stood on the sideline and watched and, if I\u2019m being completely transparent\u2026 I judged that which I did not understand. I don\u2019t know that I shied away, so much, as I just didn\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m not saying that\u2019s why I am feeling watched and judged now\u2026 It\u2019s not because of what I did or didn\u2019t do, or what I did or didn\u2019t know; it\u2019s simply because that\u2019s how it is. I can\u2019t make anyone walk beside me or be empathetic or try to understand what it\u2019s like. They would have to choose that for themselves.<\/p>\n
But sometimes parenting special needs is like being on an island. And it\u2019s only me and my child together on this island. And when we are there, we do just fine. We work hard on learning new skills, regulation, etc. But anytime we step off the island, someone is often quick to remind us that we are not typical, we are not \u201cnormal\u201d and they quickly escort us right back to the island\u2026 through their rude, harsh or thoughtless words or actions.<\/p>\n
Truth be told, I\u2019ve gotten pretty comfortable with being on the island. And much of the time I\u2019m okay when I\u2019m there, because I can\u2019t be judged when it\u2019s just the two of us who are of similar mind and spirit, right? But it\u2019s when I choose to put us out there, off the island, and, frankly, open ourselves up for judgment\u2026 that\u2019s when the harsh reality comes.<\/p>\n
People will say they understand what I\u2019m experiencing, but they don\u2019t. They could not possibly fully comprehend because they have not lived it. And while I appreciate their seeming desire to get it, I know that they can\u2019t because back before this was my journey, I thought I understood\u2026 but I did not in any way, shape or form.<\/p>\n
In MY personal experience, special needs parenting means constantly laying aside any shred of pride I might have and just be there with and for my child\u2026 to help regulate, redirect or whatever it is that he needs in a specific moment. If he\u2019s struggling then I can\u2019t worry what other people are thinking about him or me\u2026 whatever judgement it is they want to think to themselves or remark to others. I don\u2019t always have to hear it\u2026 it\u2019s generally obvious by their words, posturing and\/or behavior.<\/p>\n
And you might be reading this and thinking, \u201cWell, Kris\u2026 what would you have them do? Your child is the one who is not obeying!\u201d So let me say one thing and then give you a simple suggestion: my child is not choosing to disobey; he is dysregulated and he needs help being brought back into being regulated, and THEN I can help him make a good\/better choice.<\/p>\n
So in order to help (if anyone out there is actually asking): if you see that my child is struggling, the simple gesture of asking your neurotypical child to help my child would mean so much. When my child is stuck in his perseverance and doesn\u2019t want to come inside, or leave, or \u201cswitch gears from what he\u2019s doing\u201d\u2026 maybe ask your child to model the appropriate\/desired behavior and stop what he\u2019s doing and leave, or go inside, or switch to a new activity.<\/p>\n
That simple action is so meaningful and helpful to a child who is struggling. It might not seem like much, but trust me when I tell you it is huge. If nothing else, it shows the struggling child (and his mama) that there is some amount of solidarity in the attempt to regulate. And as an aside, chances are that it\u2019s quite possibly going to become a much bigger issue if we can\u2019t work together and help him be successful instead of struggling\u2026 so it\u2019s better to work together at the outset, right?<\/p>\n
He\u2019s not wanting to be this way; he\u2019s not a \u201cbad kid\u201d\u2026 he\u2019s simply a struggling child who needs people to rally around him and help him.<\/p>\n
So clearly you can understand why I have been reluctant to say anything, especially on this blog\u2026 because this kind of talk doesn\u2019t necessarily draw people to foster care.<\/p>\n
But it should.<\/p>\n
And it can.<\/p>\n
We need people\u2026 we need people who want to understand, and want to be all in. Who can can walk alongside and be there for the difficult and not-so-difficult.<\/p>\n
And this point brings me to another point I have mentioned in the past, but definitely bears repeating: this is the very reason why we all need a support system. You might think, going in to foster parenting, that you have \u201call this support\u201d and I hope and pray you are right\u2026 that your current support system will continue to be there for you.<\/p>\n
But, in many instances, a good part of that support falls away when things get difficult\u2026 by virtue of the fact that they just don\u2019t understand\u2026 which is why I always encourage families to find support and standing with others who have walked this path. And while this tribe might not understand the details of your specific circumstances, they understand the overall and over-arching events which may have led to a child having struggles\u2026 and are more likely to be supportive when things get tough.<\/p>\n
Now also: don\u2019t hear what I\u2019m not saying\u2026 not all of the kids who come into care have the same issues as my son\u2026 but they will have trauma which can present itself in many different ways. I\u2019m just trying to prepare new or potential foster parents as best I can\u2026 because this journey is not for the faint of heart, or for going alone.<\/p>\n
Sincerely,<\/p>\n
Kris<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
True confession: my child having special needs is the most isolating thing I\u2019ve ever experienced. Granted, foster care, in and of itself is similar in that lots of people don\u2019t understand it or necessarily even understand why you would choose to foster. But later on in our journey, when addressing the special needs of a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11826","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kriss-corner"],"yoast_head":"\n