I know I\u2019ve touched on the subject of the relationship with biological parents previously, but I just feel that it\u2019s so important that I want to discuss it again.<\/p>\n
I read a quote recently and it really hit home. The basic gist of it is this: \u201cBeing a foster parent means co-parenting with someone you may not have chosen.\u201d\u00a0Wow. That cuts deep, and for most of the foster parents I know, it would definitely ring true. You probably would not opt to co-parent with someone you didn\u2019t choose.<\/p>\n
And more often than not, the biological parents are not people who are in your circle of family or friends. (Kinship placements aside, of course\u2026and even then, it may not be someone with whom you are close). Occasionally a foster parent may have been close to the biological parents, but once the line is crossed and you\u2019re caring for his\/her child, the relationship between you and any biological parents will probably change. But that\u2019s not what this is about\u2026it\u2019s about working together with the biological parents for the ultimate good of the child in the middle.<\/p>\n
That said\u2026you all are going to need to work together for the child, because that\u2019s who this is all about, right? There will need to be compromise on many, many things\u2026and that will be, I believe, the biggest hurdle to overcome in your relationship with them. What kinds of things am I talking about? Well, basically everything (at least it feels that way sometimes) \u2026but I\u2019ll give you just a few examples. If you\u2019re in this foster care game for long, you\u2019ll soon discern what you\u2019ll potentially need to compromise on.<\/p>\n
This \u201clist\u201d would include things like holiday visits. For instance, you\u2019ll probably both want to have the child for the holidays, but if at all possible, can you split the day? Or make it work for both of you somehow?<\/p>\n
Or, what a child eats during a visit (yes, junk food only at visits is not really great, but if the visit is once or even twice a week, can you look past it? Or make sure the child eats a really healthy meal prior to the visit? And the day after? And not make food a big issue over which to battle?)<\/p>\n
This one used to just burn me up\u2026but I realize now that it\u2019s not a huge deal. I was making it into something I didn\u2019t need to: changing the child\u2019s clothes at the visit. Now this might not be an issue for bigger kids, as they often have their own opinion on clothing, but for infants\/toddlers it definitely can be. And now, being able to step back, I totally get it: mom wants to dress the child in HER clothes, not the ones someone else selected. It makes total sense, because you (as the foster parent) might even feel the same way!<\/p>\n
To digress for a moment (and demonstrate how petty things can get), when my son was in care, his biological mom had a long visit on Christmas Eve. Now, I wasn\u2019t happy about it, but he was with me on Christmas Day, so I had no room to complain. But I had selected for him the CUTEST Christmas outfit for his visit. And when he came back, he was dressed in a baby Santa suit that was too small. And I.Was.Livid.<\/p>\n
But why? Why would it matter to me? The clothes I sent came back and he wasn\u2019t hurt in any way. Mostly, I just didn\u2019t like it…and I was making the situation about me instead of about him. Now she has a photo of him with her on his first Christmas in the outfit SHE chose\u2026and I\u2019m glad for her about that\u2026now that I\u2019ve had time to reflect. I had to come to realize that NONE of this is about me and that in the long-game of foster care, if his clothes are changed at a visit, that is NO BIG DEAL!<\/p>\n
All that said, if a child comes back in clothes selected by the biological mom (this can be dad, but more often than not, from what I\u2019ve found, it is stemming from mom), just wash the clothes, and send them back to her (unless, of course, she\u2019s asked you to keep them\u2026and even then, the child doesn\u2019t have to wear them\u2026this is about you doing what she asked and realizing that in the long run it\u2019s not about you anyway.)<\/p>\n
And the last one of my examples: this might mean some give-and-take on haircuts. (Gasp!) It\u2019s the dreaded haircut conversation\u2026am I right? If you\u2019re new to foster care, you might not be familiar with this ongoing drama that seems to play out in every.single.case\u2026but I guarantee you\u2019ll learn soon enough that more often than not, this issue becomes a battle between foster and biological parents.<\/p>\n
So why is there such contention on any (or all) of these things? Well, from the foster parents\u2019 perspective, we often believe we should \u201cwin\u201d in a disagreement because we are the ones doing the day-to-day care of the child. And then conversely, the biological parents probably feel as though they have little, if any, say about what\u2019s going on in their child\u2019s life while they are in care. I try to consider that, and think about how it would make me feel. I believe it would make me grasp at anything that I could possibly have impact on\u2026and that might mean demanding holiday visits, controlling the food at visits, clothing choices, and haircuts.<\/p>\n
Now I fully realize that I am only talking to one-half of this co-parenting relationship; I doubt that many biological parents will be reading my words. I could be wrong, of course. And I am aware that there is only so much that you, foster parents, can do, but here\u2019s my advice: Do what you can to keep the peace. The kids are smart and more attentive than you may think, and they will know if there\u2019s disharmony\u2026and they will definitely know when it\u2019s on account of them.<\/p>\n
They may already feel anxious about the fact that they have mixed emotions, and might not be quite sure how to feel. They might love both the biological parents as well as the foster parents, but love them for different reasons and in different ways. Just as a child whose parents don\u2019t live under the same roof, a foster child can feel the stress of all the parents\u2026in this case disagreeing on something which involves them.<\/p>\n
So again, I say: do what you can, to the best of your ability, to keep the peace and keep things calm within this co-parenting relationship; let go of the little things and this will overall help the child\u2026which is the goal of foster care.<\/p>\n
Sincerely,<\/p>\n
Kris<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I know I\u2019ve touched on the subject of the relationship with biological parents previously, but I just feel that it\u2019s so important that I want to discuss it again. I read a quote recently and it really hit home. The basic gist of it is this: \u201cBeing a foster parent means co-parenting with someone you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10110","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kriss-corner"],"yoast_head":"\n