• Screened out
• Unsubstantiated
• Substantiated, no court involvement
• Substantiated, court involvement

(Please note that much of this language may be taken directly from the DCS website, as I want to ensure that I am giving 100% accurate information to you.)

Screened Out

A DCS 310 is screened out in Indiana if the report does not meet the definition of Child Abuse or Neglect as defined by Indiana law, there isn’t enough information to identify or locate the child or family, or the alleged incident occurred entirely out-of-state with no current risk of harm to the child in Indiana. The decision to screen out a 310 is made by a hotline intake supervisor after a review of the report and supporting information. One exception to a screen out is when reports involve a homeless unaccompanied minor receiving shelter from a designated program; these may not be screened out, even if other elements suggest a screen-out.

Unsubstantiated Report

If the Indiana DCS investigation determines that the allegations of abuse or neglect are “unsubstantiated,” (meaning that there is nothing to the allegations and they are untrue or unproven), the case is closed, and no further action is taken. The family will have no long-term consequences, and the report may eventually be expunged from the child protection index.

Substantiated Report, No Court Involvement

If DCS determines that the allegations are “substantiated” (meaning there is something to them and a child needs protection) but determines the child is not in immediate danger, a formal court case may be avoided through voluntary agreements. There are two possibilities here: a Service Referral Agreement (SRA) or a Program of Informal Adjustment (IA).

The SRA means that the family voluntarily agrees to participate in the DCS-recommended services. These include, but are not limited to, counseling, parenting classes, or substance abuse treatment. And because these are voluntary on the part of the family, it is done without a court order.

The IA means that DCS can request court-monitored services, with the consent of the parent or guardian. This requires court approval but avoids formally declaring the child to be a Child in Need of Services (CHINS). An IA typically lasts six months but can be extended by three months if necessary.

Substantiated Report, Court Involvement

If DCS concludes that court intervention is necessary to protect the child, the agency will file a petition in juvenile court alleging the child is a “Child in Need of Services” (CHINS). This is the type of ruling that the family of the child in your care received. (Also here is where I will REALLY lean hard on the official wording, as I don’t want to get anything incorrect.)

Once a child has a petition from DCS to become a CHINS, there will be a fact-finding hearing. A juvenile court judge holds the hearing and DCS must prove the allegations by a “preponderance of the evidence”. At this point, if the court finds the child is not a CHINS, the case is discharged. However, if the court finds the child is a CHINS, the case moves to the dispositional phase. At the dispositional hearing, the judge creates a case plan that outlines the services and actions the family must take. These can include (but are not limited to):

• Parenting classes
• Mental health or substance abuse treatment
• Home visits
• Supervised visitation
• Family therapy
• Securing stable housing and employment

Additionally, due to the allegations and safety of the child, if the court determines that the child cannot safely remain in the home, the child may be temporarily removed and placed with relatives or placed in foster care (in the instance of it being a removal from a foster home, they would obviously be removed and placed with a different foster home). As a foster home, you are more than likely familiar with the next steps following removal and what those outcomes would be for biological family, so I’ll breeze through them quickly.

In most cases, the initial goal is for reunification (to reunify the family once the parents have completed the requirements of the case plan). DCS performs regular reunification assessments to determine if the family is making progress. If the family is unable to meet the reunification requirements within a court-mandated timeframe, DCS may petition the court to terminate parental rights. This can occur when a child has been removed from the home for an extended period, which is typically 12 to 15 months, depending on the case. However, it could be more or less time, depending on the individual case. If reunification is not possible, the court can approve other permanency goals for the child, such as adoption, legal guardianship, or placement with a fit and willing relative or foster parents who are willing and able to adopt.

But since this post is for you, the foster parents, you are probably wondering what the process would look like if a 310 was called in on you, so here it goes:

Is there a removal if the 310 is unsubstantiated?  Not usually, but it is possible.  This could be at the determination of the foster parent to give notice, a recommendation by the team, or the recognition that the placement is just a poor match.  It could be to protect the integrity of the foster parent, reduce risk of continuous future false allegations, or because the 310 brought to light that there are circumstances that make this living arrangement too risky (there is inappropriate behavior between foster children, or a child is seductive to adults, a child is harmful to pets in the home, or there is a non-stop barrage of false allegations from the child’s family, the child now requires their own bedroom but the home doesn’t have sufficient space…  the list goes on).

Another issue leading to the removal of the child with an unsubstantiated finding could be the events leading to the 310 doesn’t reach the level of “abuse/neglect”, but is extremely concerning.  It could be just shy of abuse, or could be an egregious violation of Licensing rules (this could include, but is not limited to: no bruising or welts, but the foster parent slapped, spanked, or used a belt on the child, or is verbally demeaning of them).

Is there a removal if the 310 is substantiated? Usually, but there are rare exceptions in which the placements might not be removed, depending on the type of abuse.  It is possible that an accidental bruise, momentary lapse in judgment, or a scenario of neglect could allow a child to remain in the home but with the agency employing a safety plan and corrective action plan with services such as counseling, increased supervision, training, etc.

Does a foster home have to close its license if the 310 is substantiated?  Like the first question above, usually, but with rare exceptions.  It would depend on the circumstances and would require a deep analysis and review of the allegations and findings.  Then, the agency would have to compile evidence and submit a request for a background check waiver with DCS in order to authorize continued licensure of the home.  Sometimes a license is revoked because of the actions of one of the foster parents, with the other being an innocent party.  If they happened to divorce or separate in the future and the innocent parent wanted to return, that could be a possibility.

Is there an appeal process? Yes, there is; generally, once the report is completed and approved, within 15 days, DCS should send a “Notice of Availability” or a “Notice of Substantiation” form to the alleged perpetrator.  If substantiated, the notice will include information on the individual’s right to request an Administrative Appeal (the Administrative Appeal request form may be included with the notification).  The request form must be submitted within 30 days of the date of the report, or the alleged perpetrator waives their right to the appeal and the substantiation stands.  Once the request is received by DCS General Counsel, the requestor will receive notice of the date, time and location of the administrative hearing.  For such a hearing, an attorney may be helpful, but is not required.

Additionally, there is also a legal/court process whereas the subject of the investigation (the alleged perpetrator), can request the court to expunge the record from the system.  This is a more complicated endeavor and the assistance of an attorney would be advisable.

I know this was a lot of information to throw at you so we will pull the rip cord on the discussion for now. But next time I will give you some tips to help you think through a safety plan to best protect you from having a 310 called in (please note there is no guarantee that it won’t happen, but there are things you can do to help prevent it).

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – DCS Investigations: Possible Investigation Outcomes appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

So once a 310 has been called in on the hotline, the process begins with fact gathering to determine a child’s safety. First off, a report is created to document the allegations. This serves as the initial record and assists DCS in making the determination of whether or not a full investigation or “assessment” is needed. The identity of the person making the call in to the hotline is kept confidential, although the reporters are encouraged to provide their contact information, so DCS can follow up later if they have additional questions; however the individual or individuals who were called in on will not know the identity of the reporter. Based on what the accusation is, however, you might be able to sus out who called it in.

Once the 310 report has been created, DCS does a preliminary investigation to determine if the allegations meet the requirements for child abuse or neglect, or if it’s going to be “screened out” (which means it does not meet the requirements for further investigation. Additionally, at this time, DCS will determine how quickly the investigation will begin- as quickly as within an hour of the report, all the way up to a maximum of 5 days out. This is based upon the severity of the allegations and how much the danger a child is believed to be in.

If it has been determined that the investigation will continue and not be screened out, it is then the investigator’s job is to simply gather the facts. This will mean a variety of interviews in order to get a full picture of what has happened and if the child is in danger. The investigator will visit the child’s home, talk to the child (if possible), and interview others who would be close to the situation; this could include but not necessarily be limited to parents, siblings, teachers, relatives, neighbors, friends or doctors. At this stage of the process, it is all about understanding what has been happening in the child’s environment up to the point and if they are safe. And for you as a foster parent, it might mean multiple interviews. As an investigator hears something from one person, there might be follow up with another. And as difficult as it is, try to be understanding and simply answer the questions. Be honest but do not elaborate on answers or give additional information that was not asked about; sometimes this can be misconstrued and muddy the water that is already cloudy.

Also know that DCS has the right to (and more than likely will) do an inspection of your home, even if the allegations did not take place inside your home. The investigator will make sure you have heat (if it’s the winter) and either AC or fans in the summer. They will check your refrigerator and pantry have enough food. They will make sure you have running water. They will check to see where the child sleeps (do they have their own bed, is the allotment of space appropriate for them, etc.) There are other things an individual inspector may ask to see, based on the allegations; I would encourage you to simply comply, because refusing may seem like you are trying to hide something and this will not end well for you or the children in your care. You could be faced with additional charges in the 310 and the children (even your biological or adopted ones) could be removed from you.

Whatever they choose to look at, just know that they will take pictures of it all. I know this sounds terrifying and believe me, I am completely sympathetic, having experienced this myself, but the more compliant you are, the better things should go for you. But just hang on to this: the investigation process should be closed within 45 days. If it is not, I encourage you to start calling to find out why there is a delay and when it is expected to be closed. If need be, reach out to the supervisor of the inspector.

Once the investigation is complete and filed, you are entitled to a copy of it. In my experience, it will not automatically be sent to you; you will have to make an official request. The request goes through the DCS office of the county who conducted the investigation and they will send you your redacted copy through the mail within a couple weeks.

One other note I’d like to make, and I’ll place it here since I could not find a logical place for it:  while there is an open 310 investigation on your home, you cannot take a new placement; this means you’re on a mandatory hold.

Coming up in the next post will be the possible outcomes of the investigation.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – DCS Investigations: General Investigation Process appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

And this is not simply in media for adults…many intended for children utilize a child who is either an orphan or has been abandoned by at least one parent.

Please do be confused and do not hear what I’m not saying. I’m NOT saying kids can’t thrive as orphans or with one parent out of the picture.

I’m just saying that the media seems to really push that storyline. And my question to them is WHY?!? What is so appealing about an orphan hero?

And my problem is not that I don’t love a good overcoming odds story, as many of us do…that’s honestly probably the reason for the popularity.

And when I Google it, here’s the AI response I received (and honestly I think it is spot-on): “Isolated from a traditional, nurturing family environment an orphan is a manifestation of loneliness and vulnerability. These circumstances are prone to triggering a strong, sympathetic reaction in the reader, drawing them into the character’s journey.”

And while that may (probably) is true, my real issue with the orphan hero is that it can be triggering to such a large number of people (kids in foster care being some of them!); this does not mean it always is but it CAN be.

Obviously this is not an all-encompassing list, but here are a few examples to get you thinking about what your kids are watching or reading:

Superman

Batman

Spiderman

Nemo

Harry Potter

Annie

Lilo and Stitch

Frozen

Bambi

Dumbo

Despicable Me

Jungle Book

Cinderella

Star Wars

The Lion King

And many, many more…

For me personally, I never know what’s going to trigger my son. And maybe the same is true for you and your child; if you have more than one foster/adopted child, the triggers probably vary from child to child.

My son knows that he was a functional orphan; he doesn’t know that term, but he knows that he didn’t have permanency. He didn’t have biological parents who could care for him. He knows he was removed from them. He knows that one of the two parents didn’t even care about reunifying with him. He knows that he cannot return to them, but can visit as biomom is able.

Clearly there’s a lot just in his story that could easily be triggered by a movie that we’re watching together as a family.  And I find myself cringing, often, when the issue comes up in something we are watching or reading.

Now, I do realize that sometimes it seems to gloss right over him, but I also know that doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about it. He’s not dense. He can put pieces together and figure out a meaning behind a comment, and I do believe he’s understanding and thinking more about these things than he lets on.

But while we’re at it, let me briefly get on my soapbox: can we put a stop to all jokes about people being adopted? Like one sibling, saying to another, as an attempt to tease, that they are adopted? It’s not funny in any situation, but especially if there are adoptees nearby.

It’s not funny in real life and it’s not funny in media either.

End of rant.

So what I’m really saying is that I seriously doubt that the media is going to put a stop to utilizing the orphan hero storyline because it’s made them billions and billions of dollars; so what that means is that it is up to us as parents of “orphans” to do our homework. My encouragement is to always be aware and to check out shows and movies AHEAD of time to know what triggers MIGHT come up.

And if you can’t be preemptive (and I know that I am not always either), I encourage you to always be prepared for any and all fallout. Adoption and foster care themes are predominant in our media and there’s really no way around it. But as foster and adoptive parents, we can do our best to cushion the blows and to help our kids see that the story they’re watching on TV is a story, but it’s not their story…however, our children CAN be heroes and overcomers as well.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – Orphans as Heroes in Media appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

As it states on their website, the mission of First Steps is “to partner with Hoosier families whose young children are experiencing developmental delays and connect them with services that help them promote their child’s development.”

First Steps is a program that I first learned about when my now 22 year-old was an infant. He was born with torticollis, and even though we tried to remedy it with some stretches on our own, it was not quite enough. We were referred to First Steps by the pediatrician (although FYI: if you have specific concerns you’d like an opinion on, you can contact First Steps yourself and do a direct referral).

Basically it works like this: Once the referral goes through, you are contacted for an intake and then an evaluation (all of this is done in home, which is especially nice if you have other children; you don’t need to find a sitter or take them all along to these appointments).

If the child qualifies for services, and assuming your foster child is on Medicaid, you will pay nothing and the therapy or therapies will happen in your home; for children not on Medicaid, I believe it is insurance-based but I do have not have personal experience with that and the website is not as clear as it could be.

For my older son, he qualified only for Physical Therapy (PT) once a week. So once services began, we had a PT come to our home once a week for an hour. She would spend time stretching him, but more than that, she would teach me what to do to continue the work on the other days…which is where the real progress in his condition took place. Obviously the weekly appointments were crucial to ensure I was staying on track with my “tasks”, but the fact that I became knowledgeable and equipped helped me do what he needed; point being, we were able to work as a team to get him on track.

And as what I think is a kind of cool aside: Fast forward 11 years later when we took placement of a medically-fragile 3 month old (who had severe torticollis, as well as several other needs), we were already trained in how to do the stretches so we were able to begin them right away, as we awaited his First Steps referral to go through and for services to begin.

And speaking of services, I need to explain that First Steps provides so much more than PT (our youngest, in fact, used PT, OT, Speech and DT).  So just for your reference, the services available through First Steps include:

• Assistive Technology (AT)
• Audiological Services
• Developmental Therapy (DT) (which includes Family Education, Training, and Counseling;  Health services; Medical services; Nursing services; and Nutrition services)
• Occupational Therapy (OT)
• Physical Therapy (PT)
• Psychological Services
• Service Coordination (SC)
• Social Work Services
• Speech Therapy
• Transportation
• Vision
• Other Individualized Services

One last thing I would like to mention is that even if your child qualifies for a therapy or service with First Steps, it might be that he has not progressed enough by the age of three ; in such a case, he will then have therapies outside the home. My youngest had PT, OT and speech in home, but still needed services once he turned three so we transitioned to outside therapists.

And from my experience, First Steps does a wonderful job of helping you with the transition; they do not wait until the child is 3 and then simply drop him. They begin helping you with the transition process a couple months out so the child doesn’t have a lapse in services.

I know that this will not be a need that every foster parent has, but I wanted to make you aware just in case you or another foster parent you know might find it beneficial.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – First Steps appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

Because it is so upsetting and terrifying, I believe that most of us in the foster care world choose not to talk about it…almost like “if I don’t talk about it, it won’t ever happen” or “if I discuss it, it almost summons the call in on me”.

Clearly nothing like that is the case…but 310s are scary and that’s why we don’t often want to talk about them.

But that’s what I’ll be doing in my next few posts; I’ll dive into what a 310 is, the investigation process (in general…because no 310 investigation is ever going to go exactly by the textbook), possible outcomes of the 310 investigation, how to protect yourself from an investigation (as best you can), and validating how a 310 makes foster parents feel.

And for those of you who are new to this world, or if you’ve never had the “pleasure” of experiencing one, a 310 is what was called in on the biological family when the children in your care were removed. But 310s are called in all the time and it is not uncommon for one to be called in on foster or adoptive parents.

I’m going to admit something I’ve very rarely admitted (because it feels so gross and smug on my part), but I thought I was doing really well as a foster parent because we fostered for eight years and never had a 310 called in. What I failed to realize is that it can happen to anyone at any time for virtually anything, and when we had our family’s 310 investigation this past summer, I very quickly lost a lot of of that smugness (and when I say I lost a lot, I mean I lost it all.

I don’t say that to scare you, but to help you understand that it’s something that happens. Often. And you don’t need to feel like you’re all alone in the experience.

As we go through this series, I will try to give you as much information as I can so that in the event it does happen to you, you’re a little more prepared to walk through it. Additionally, and most of all, I want you to know that you’re not alone in how you feel and what you experience. It has happened to many of us (probably many of whom you are unaware that it’s happened to…because it can feel embarrassing to talk about), and while it can bring up a lot of different emotions for the foster or adoptive parents, there are things you can do as you walk through to help give you a sense of control.

So as I said above, first off in the series, I want to talk a little bit about what exactly a 310 is and how it is reported. As mentioned previously, the 310 is when a call is made to the hotline regarding suspected abuse or neglect of a child.

I think many of us are aware of what is probably the most common and that is a mandatory reporting call. Anyone who sees something suspicious has a required duty to call in a report to the anonymous line. They’ll take the information and move forward with it there. As I said, it is anonymous so the person receiving the call doesn’t know who called it in although of course there might be suspicions.

There is self reporting, when a foster adoptive parent knows that there’s something wrong or something has happened, it should be called in by them and they call in on themselves.

There’s agency reporting where the agency becomes aware of something that has happened in a foster home and they call in the report on the foster parents.

One other situation I do want to mention is that the majority of the time calls are made for an adult doing something to a child. But there is the rare instance where a 310 is called in for a child doing something to another child. Like I said, it’s not nearly as common, but it does happen, and if deemed necessary, it still requires the full investigation process.

Once a report has been made, then DCS will determine if screened in or screened out. If it is screened in, then they will pursue investigation and determine if further action is required. If it is screened out then there will be no further investigation on that call.

In my next post, I will dive deeper into what the DCS 310 investigation should (or could) look like.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – DCS Investigations: What is a 310 appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

I don’t care how long you’ve been fostering, but I would bet that at some point you have compared yourself and your ability as a foster parent to other foster parents. Maybe you’ve done it in a positive way, such as, “Wow, they handled that situation the same way I do and look how well it turned out!”

But if you’re like me at all, you have compared yourself in a demeaning way and you did not come out feeling so good about yourself. Here’s my example which I gave WAY too much space to in my head: “I feel completely stocked up on crazy and trauma, and life is so hard in my home…and I only have one kiddo from foster care. How do other families manage?!?”

Is that fair for me to compare myself to others like this? Would I tell someone else who said that to me that they are right to think that, or that they should stop comparing themself to others?

To answer that, I’m going to give you a little bit of our history with foster care. Our first placement was two girls, and it was way too much. I have long thought about it and definitely feel like if we had only had one of them, we might have been successful. If you’ve read my post in the past, you already know this, but we had to disrupt that placement because it was just too much.

Fast forward a few years. After our youngest son was adopted, we took another placement of the most relaxed infant ever. He was a cakewalk but our adopted son could not handle having him there. It was too much so we moved that sweet placement on as well. I’m saying all this because, if I’m being totally honest (and that’s what you come here for, right?), it has been 8 years since that happened and I STILL look at large families with foster and adopted kids and I think, “Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I handle that? How do they have so much more bandwidth than me?”

But, in an effort to let go of that detrimental comparison, I’ve thought on it and believe what’s really at play is that I don’t know their story. I don’t know what’s going on in their homes. I don’t know what their childhoods were like and what skills they developed or innately have. I don’t know that everyone is really thriving, I don’t know their kids diagnoses or issues or struggles, and, to be honest, my kid is just a lot. And I know for a fact that not everyone is parenting a similar complex and difficult diagnosis in their home like I am.

Obviously, I don’t know for sure, but he is honestly like five kids at times; dysregulation comes swift and often, so much so that the whole household would be just regulated if we had other kids from hard places. In fact, we don’t have other kids from hard places but the household sometimes gets dysregulated at times with only him.

So I say all this to say to you: don’t compare yourself to other foster and adoptive parents. Do what you are able to, and do your best – that’s all you really can do. The comparison does you no good. It can just end up leaving you feeling bitter, broken, discouraged, disgruntled, or discontent (and trust me, I know- I have experienced them all). But none of that is beneficial to anyone. And it’s definitely not going to help you be a better foster parent.

Though my post is short today, I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else is struggling with the tendency to compare. Also, this might be a little cliché, but I’m going to say it anyway: if you’re worried that you’re not doing things well, you’re probably actually doing a great job with the trauma you are taking care of on the daily.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – Quit Your Comparisons appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

But I have realized, as I have taken a step back and tried to do things just for me, that it IS important. I’ve touched on this in other posts, but I feel that it warrants being reiterated: it’s very easy to lose yourself when you’re on the foster care and adoption journey. At least it was for me. I was so wrapped up in trying to fix/help my child that I lost all sense and sight of who I was and what I enjoyed.

I used to love doing crafts and taking aerobics and reading. And then once I delved into this world, most of that stopped. I felt like I couldn’t justify the time because when I wasn’t caring for a traumatized child, I had to do other things to keep the house running. I grew up in a very clean and tidy home and felt like that was the expectation everyone had of me as well. And it was the expectation I had of myself. I thought I had to cook dinner every single night, and felt guilty if I threw in a frozen pizza.

I don’t know if it’s the passage of time, perspective, or just that I’m really tired…but I finally realized I needed to find myself again. And I don’t know if that’s exactly what self-care is, but it is for me.

Some of this might resonate with you and some of it might not, but here’s a sampling of some of the changes I’ve made over the past couple years and because of them, I feel so much more liberated and like myself. And I also realized that my family is in no way suffering because I am taking care of myself as well. In fact, they’re probably doing better because I don’t always try to do everything for them.

So, here’s my list of some of my changes, in no particular order:

• I got a 70 pound dog that needs to be walked 3 to 4 times a day so I get to get out and get some exercise and fresh air.
• I bought myself a weighted vest to wear while I’m walking the dog. And sometimes just around the house. I found that it really helps regulate me, especially when I get that first walk in the morning.
• get up about an hour before everyone else in the house. I get myself dressed. I have a cup of coffee. I have some quiet time and I do some reading. I might even get dinner prepped. It’s just nice to me to have the house to myself… because that doesn’t happen much.
• If I’m out for a meeting in the evening, I don’t always feel inclined to have dinner ready for my family. There might be some leftovers or there might not. I might give them some options of what they could fix or I just tell them everyone’s on their own.
• I take time to read a book almost every day. As of this writing, I have read 75 books this year. I used to love to read and always felt guilty when I took the time, but this year, I’ve decided I’m not going to feel guilty about it.
• I pay a little bit extra to do grocery pick up. I know in the long run, I’m probably saving money because I’m not grabbing any impulse buys and it’s so much easier. Plus I can send my adult son who lives at home for the pickup if needed.
• I have started gardening, discovered that I love it, and have been canning to save for the winter.

Like I said, your list might look vastly different from mine and that’s totally fine. Like I said, some people might not consider this self-care, but at the very least it’s an attempt to find my way back to myself, and maybe you might find yourself along the way as well.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – Self Care (Kind of) appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

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I don’t think it did it intentionally, but instead avoided it because it was a difficult situation; to be fully transparent, I really did not know how to approach it without disparaging him. That’s one of the things they said in the talk: be honest, but avoid disparaging. Also, don’t embellish the story and make the family of origin sound amazing, for obvious reasons, because that will leave the child confused about why they were removed or placed for adoption.

All that to say, I was deeply convicted that I needed to rectify this situation; my son is 11 and closing in on the “knowing his full story by the time he is 12” milestone. I was incredibly thankful for the suggestion of tossing a pebble; after so much time of NOT discussing the birth dad, I knew it might come as a surprise to my son that I was bringing him up. Surprising, confusing, upsetting…I knew those were all possible, so I had just avoided it.

But I also knew there were going to be other questions coming my way due to circumstances in the birth mom’s current life, and I needed to lay some groundwork by getting the whole story out there. And even though it was still incredibly uncomfortable, I was thankful the speakers provided a great tool for me to utilize, even though I had not asked for it. And I know you’re not necessarily asking me what I said or how it went, but I want to share my experience to give you confidence to try tossing a pebble yourself.

I planned my pebble toss to be at a time when we were engaged in a jigsaw puzzle…so we were close together but not looking at each other; I find that helps when a difficult topic is being discussed. (I know that’s a little off topic but I wanted to mention it in case it helps someone else in a similar situation.)

To get the conversation (or what I hoped would be a conversation) started, I tossed out this pebble: “I wonder if you’ve ever thought about why you are so tall. Your mom is tiny so I wonder where you get your height.”

And my son responded, “Why do you say that?”

So I said, “Well, you know how we inherit our physical characteristics from our birth family and since your mom is not tall, I wonder why you would be so tall…and I wondered if you ever thought about that too.”

He was quick to say no, that he had not thought about that (which honestly made me think he HAD, in fact, thought about it…but since we had not discussed birth dad previously, I understood if he was taking his cues from me that it was a subject we didn’t talk about so he didn’t want to admit that he WAS thinking about him). But also…he didn’t change the subject, and he didn’t leave the room and he didn’t tense up… so I took that as a sign that he wanted more information but didn’t necessarily want to ask.

So I tiptoed into an area we’ve never ventured into and shared a bit of what I knew…and left it at that. He didn’t ask any questions and I didn’t offer any more information. We just kept working on our puzzle and then I started talking about something completely different.

Over the next few weeks, I had other opportunities to toss more pebbles and share more of the story. It seems to me (and it might just be my son, I realize) but by giving him small amounts of the story at a time, he has time to digest/process and then we share more. To give it all would be overwhelming and dysregulating, which is obviously something we try to avoid if at all possible.

Clearly your situation may be vastly different from mine. Maybe you’ve done a pretty good job of sharing most of the story but just have to give a few final details. Or maybe you have hardly shared a thing for one reason or another. But I want you all to know that it’s important to get your child’s story into their own hands so they can wrestle it through and begin to fully heal.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – Telling Your Child Their Story (Part 2) appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.

Now to be fair to myself, it was not terrible (there were just more holes than I had previously wanted to admit to), and it was totally fixable because I had not lied; I mostly needed to flush out a bunch of details. So overall I had a lot left to tell. And maybe you do as well.

I’m sure many of us have heard that the general consensus of experts say that kids should know their full story by the time they’re 12 years old. Now I want to pause there and say obviously only if the child is going to be able to handle it. If they are very low function or they are emotionally much, much younger, I don’t know that 12 needs to be the hard and fast rule. To be clear, the ladies running the training did not say that, but this is me interjecting with my non-professional (but lived-experience) opinion.

Now because it was a super-informative training, I want to share with you some of the other things that they discussed. First and foremost, they acknowledge that it is uncomfortable for both the adoptive or foster parent AND for the child. So much so that often times it’s never brought up because everyone’s uncomfortable. So their point in the training was this: if the child is not bringing it up, it is up to you as the adult (the steward of the story), to be the one to “toss a pebble”.

So what does that mean? “Toss a pebble”? Basically it’s tossing out a little thought about your child as they relate to their birth family and seeing if the child will engage in the conversation. For example: “You have such beautiful hazel eyes. I wonder who else in your family of origin has hazel eyes.” You’ve not asked a question, you’ve simply made an observation and then sat back to wait and see if the child will engage. The child may respond with a comment or question about their eyes or about something completely different about their family of origin. Or they might change the subject altogether.

And each one of those is perfectly fine because this exercise is not so much to start a conversation (although it could be great if you do), but mostly it’s about showing the child that you are thinking about their birth family. You can already guess that more than likely, they are as well, but they do not know how to bring it up to you; the child has many mixed emotions about it (which is understandable!) But by tossing a pebble, you’re showing that you are a safe space to talk about their family of origin.

One of the other points from the talk is that you should be completely truthful. Don’t embellish and don’t leave out details…even if it’s really hard; only when there is truth can a child begin to move forward with healing. It’s clearly not going to happen right away, but if they are left to wonder about their story, or if there are gaps in the story, they will fill in their own details which are more than likely not accurate.

Also, do not be afraid to say that you don’t know an answer. More than likely at some point there will be questions that you don’t know the answer to. It might be that no one knows the answer. So don’t be afraid to sit in that with your child as well.

One last point they made is that if you don’t know an answer, know that it very well might be that you need to seek out help from someone else…maybe someone who has experienced a similar journey to your child. But is ahead of your child in the journey and is working their way towards healing. This person will understand your child in a way that you can’t because they have had a similar experience. And this person may be able to see and validate your child in a way that you can’t. Not because you’re not trying, not because you don’t love your child, but simply because you could never fully grasp your child’s feelings and story in a way that this other person may. And this will help your child with his healing as well.

Often times for a foster or adoption child, there is a lot of felt shame in the fact that they are not with their biological family. Obviously these circumstances came to be through no fault of the child, but there still is much to work through. By sharing their full story with them and allowing them to face the facts of their reality, only then can they mourn all that they have lost and move ahead with healing.

Sincerely,

Kris

The post Kris’ Corner – Telling Your Child their Story appeared first on Firefly Children and Family Alliance.